Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Naked Ass (just warning you)

The other day I decided that Mondays will be “kick my own ass” day at the gym. In other words, it will be the day I work out the hardest because it is the only day of the week when I do not work and I can actually drive there instead of walk.

So this Monday the alarm went off at 9 am and I reset it for 10. Instead of falling back to sleep my mind kept going over all the reasons I should be getting up. I finally threw off the sheets, ate a quick breakfast and headed to the Y.

I first headed for the exercise bike because it is the easiest to use and read at the same time. I put the bike on the random hill setting and cranked it up to three (out of twenty). Twenty minutes later my legs were tired and I had only burned 74 calories! I mean, come on, only 74? They should throw in some extra ones when you break a sweat or at least riding until your ass hurts too much to continue. Then I jumped on the treadmill where you can make some actual progress. Problem is that I was too tired from burning those 74 calories that I did not last very long on the treadmill. Apparently when you have not been to the gym in six years and you put on A LOT of weight, you lose stamina. Who would have thought?

So I head back to the locker room to grab my stuff. I wash my face and turn into the row of lockers where I believe my locker is and OH MY GOD! Yes, that is a naked ass in front of me. A naked ass! After a second or two trying to figure out who I am and what I am doing standing in front of someone’s naked ass, I realize that my locker is in the next row. Thank god or I would have had to stand next to naked woman while I tried to open my combination lock, if I even would have remembered the numbers with the words “naked ass, naked ass” going through my mind.

And here’s the thing, I appreciate a beautiful woman. I think Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston are absolutely gorgeous. But I appreciate them in the “I wish I looked like them” sort of way, not the “I want to see them naked” sort of way (although I am sure I would wish I looked like them naked if I did see them naked). I do not care if you look like Angelina in Wanted or Kristie Alley in Fat Actress, I do NOT want to see your naked ass staring back at me when I turn the corner! And I should mention that most of the women using the locker room when I seem to be there are older women wearing bathing suits, so the chance of seeing Angelina-like ass is very, very slim.

Anyway, I am just hoping for no naked ass next time.


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* Valerie * said...

Morgan, the above comment is what happens when you have a blog post entitled "naked ass," hahaha.

Amanda said...

Don't you remember the scary 80s chic in the dorm? You should be used to seeing naked ass when you least expect it.