Small Town Girl in a Big City

Total Rock Star

2011-07-18T23:19:00.001-07:00

I gave Simba a hair cut yesterday since his mane was getting a little long and we don't want him to get too hot. He turned out looking like a rock star from an 80's band. And no styling was involved - I am not that bad.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Where I Have Been ...

2011-07-18T23:06:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that it has been a strange few months heath-wise. When I saw Dr. Zen four months ago, I was feeling okay and not in too much pain except when I overextended myself. But I felt comforted by the fact the each time I had a blood test the inflammation was lower and Dr. Zen was confident the medications are working and I would only continue to get better.

Eight weeks later I had a blood test that showed normal levels of inflammation, which had me excited but completely baffled because I was in some serious pain at the time I took the test. According to my doctor I should not feel any pain when when there was no inflammation so what was going on?

I knew I had another blood test in eight weeks before I saw Dr. Zen again plus I knew that one could not base everything on one blood test, so I should wait and see how things play out.

Over the next couple of months I began to have chest pains and like anyone else probably would, my mind went to possible heart problems. But the pain was along my sternum and alternating sides of my chest, especially after working in the yard and things like that. First thing I do is hit the internet, my usual process. It turns out that Rheumatoid Arthritis can effect the cartiledge that joins the ribs to the sternum. It definitely explained the pain along the sternum but not the ache in my chest that feels like someone poked me way to hard deep inside the muscle. I found a few different possibilities, but some are so crazy that I am going to leave it to the doctor.

I just received the results from the blood test I had last week and the inflammation levels that showed were even better, but yet again I was in quite a bit of pain when I took the test. So I went onto RA Chicks Facebook page and asked if anyone else has experienced the same thing. I was honestly surprised to receive as many responses as I did which just goes to show that no one ever knows as much as they think they do when it comes to a disease will no cure (as of today). Quite a few women said that their doctors do not even go off the blood tests to judge disease activity. There is also something called seronegative Rheumatoid Arthritis, which I do not know a lot about but they said that it does not show any inflammation at all. The most important thing to me is that the is no ongoing joint damage.

So now I am counting the days until I see Dr. Zen and luckily it is only a few days away. I am definitely going in prepared this time with my research, comments from other RA ladies, and my specific questions. I want to make sure I walk out with answers to the pain without inflammation on my blood test and the chest pain. Anything else can wait since there will always be another appointment and I only have so many minutes with Dr. Zen.

And the pain is pretty much why I have been away. My hands are bothering me the worst and when they are not too bad at the end of the work day, I want to use that time constructedly around the house. I was pretty happy to have had the energy to do some gardening, cleaning in the garage, and even replace the toilets in our two bathrooms. The fact that I have been able to do that much keeps me feeling good and I am always planning what I am going to next. Believe me, it is a very long list!

Another random item - I talked my primary care physician into ordering allergy tests since I have read articles about allergies and RA. It turns out that I am allergic to quite a lot of things. The biggest reactions were sesame seeds, mold, and cats and dogs so the doctor told me I should avoid all four. That is totally not happening! I grew up in a house constantly full of animals and continue to live that way. My two dogs and one cat are not going anywhere. I am also allergic to several trees and grasses. On the low end of the reaction scale, I am allergic to wheat and corn. My big question is whether avoiding allergens will lessen the occurrence of RA flares and is it worth avoiding the food items if they are such low reactions. Lots of questions.

Awesome Anxiety-Free Weekend

2011-06-08T22:27:00.001-07:00

This weekend was really huge for me. We started it by heading out to the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater for KROQ's Annual Weenie Roast, which is a huge concert to raise money for various charities.

I was definitely feeling anxious thinking about how many people would be there, but then I decided to look at it as just another challenge. I knew that once I got there I would most likely be fine plus Rommel made sure I knew that we could leave whenever I wanted to, which always makes it easier for me.

Just as I thought, I was a lot less anxious once we got to the venue. I was just so excited about what we were going to see. I did have a scary moment in the middle of the day when no bands were playing, it was getting really crowded, it was hot and uncomfortable, and I just wanted to get away. We found a little shade behind a booth to cool down and before we knew it they had opened the gates to the larger stage and I had calmed down.

The walk up to the amphitheater was actually insanely long. This was before the main stage opened and the whole place became unbelievably crowded.

This is a glimpse of the side stage where the first few bands played. It was standing only and completely in the afternoon sun. Instead of dying in the crowd, Rommel and I found a shady spot to listen to Young the Giant, Foster the People, Airborne Toxic Event, and Neon Trees.

We had seats around the middle of the amphitheater which were actually pretty awesome.

Face to Face

Cage the Elephant was one of the bands I was looking forward to the most. They were so good and they were big on getting the audience involved which always makes a show better.

Bad Religion! One of my favorite parts of live shows is when the whole crowd joins together to sing and that was what their whole set was like. It was amazing!

My absolute favorite set of the night was the Strokes. They were so, so, so good! I sincerely hope I have the opportunity to see them again in the future.

The last two sets of the night were Rise Against and Lincoln Park, but I agreed to leave early. Rommel honestly could care less who most of the bands were and only went because I wanted to. Plus we had been there for seven hours (this is after I spent half a day at work) and I was ridiculously sun burnt. The awful part was that we missed the surprise guest - the Foo Fighters! I don't think I will ever leave anything early again.

On Sunday we headed to a local arts and crafts festival that I local forward to every year. Rommel gives me a budget and I try my best to stick to it, but I always have a hard time limiting myself at flea markets, etc. Although the festival rocked again this year, I did not leave with much.

I bought a couple of steel butterflies for our front yard. I bought a few pieces from the same couple a year or two ago and I love the way the weather and rust.

I also found a gift for my dad for father's day, a hand sculpted piggy bank that is a pig dressed as a pirate.

I was a little disappointed that I was not finding much that I was really excited about when I walked by the very last booth before walking to our car. I noticed that the vendor had lilac candles which I had to stop and smell. The neighborhood in Illinois where I grew up had lilacs everywhere. I miss that lovely scent and am always looking for real smelling lilac candles. It turns out that the woman running the booth also grew up in Illinois and had created certain scents with the state in mind, which were lilac, honeysuckle, and citrus and tomato leaf. It just so happens that I hate tomatoes but love the smell of tomato plants. I ended up spending the rest of my budget on lemon, lilac, and citrus and tomato leaf candles. Even better is that they are soy candles which burn a lot longer than wax candles.

To finish the weekend off we decided to see that Pirates movie, which was not great but there was something even better about the movie - I did not experience any anxiety about going to the movie theater! I mentioned it before, but I had not been to the movies in several years because the experience caused me to have panic attacks. We have gone to two other movies so far this year and I had some anxiety each time. Plus I was only comfortable sitting in the very back corner of the theater. This time I felt pretty comfortable and we actually sat at the end of a row in the middle of the theater. It may sound insignificant to other people, but I am extremely proud of being able to do this anxiety-free.

Such a fantastic weekend!

I have so much more to share with you guys. I have a lot going on and several projects in the works around the house.

Hope you are having an excellent week!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

what i've been up to - a ton of pictures

2011-06-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

It feels like years since I have posted anything on here! SillyGrrl had a post on the new blog templates she had designed and after purchasing one of her gorgeous looks for my own blog, I have been inspired to start posting again!

It's definitely been a busy few months and I wanted to share pictures of my little world with you fabulous people.

My sister and her boyfriend had friends getting married in Vegas and since we have a lot of family there, we decided to have everyone meet up for a few days. It was a great chance to see my parents and my sister all together, which does not happen that often. Since we go to Vegas a lot and this would be the first time I have been there since my anxiety has calmed down, I set out to find unique things for us to do.

We had to hit one buffet while in Vegas, so we headed out to the Red Rock Casino. I gambled a whole three bucks while my family waited in line.

I read about the Shelby Museum when I was looking up interesting things to do in Vegas. My dad and Josh are huge car buffs, so I knew they would love it!

Those girls at the car shows need to watch their backs or my dad might steal their job!

My sister's boyfriend Josh had never been to Vegas and wanted to see a bit of the casino stuff, so we took him to the Bellagio and the Mirage. The flower exhibits at the Bellagio were absolutely amazing.

One of the unique places I wanted to go was the Atomic Testing Museum. My parents did not seem to excited about it, but they actually found it extremely interesting and kind of enjoyed it. My grandparents lived in Vegas during the testing period, although my mom was just an infant and does not remember much of that time. My uncle also worked as a laborer at the actual testing site.

Besides the items you would expect to see at a museum for atomic testing, they had a temporary exhibit on the culture of Vegas during that time period. It's seems crazy now, but it actually increased tourism for the city.

This is one of the mannequins JcPenny's donated to the government to set out near the actual blast site to judge the effects. It was strange to see how one mannequin would be decimated and the one right next to it was untouched. And no, the mannequins eyes were not like that in before the blast. Seriously creepy.

Miss Atomic Bomb 1957

Sorry that the video is a little shaky, but you had to hand crank the video.

The Silverton Casino has a 117,000 gallon salt water aquarium in the lobby and has feedings twice a day where a diver answers questions. Extremely cool. Too bad we missed the mermaid show.

The Silverton Casino is attached to a Bass Pro Shop that has an actual "river" running through it. It was full of ducks, turtles, salmon, and sturgeon. You can see how large it was compared to the guy who had to wade in to get a pacifier that someone dropped over the side.

And most importantly, we had a lot of time with family. My grandfather will be ninety-one on Monday and he is doing amazing! He is so lucky to have Janet in his life, who takes wonderful care of him.

Then it was back home.

After seven years in California, I have finally tired of the flowers I plant dying on me. It's not their fault; I am not very consistent about taking care of them. So I have begun planting drought tolerant succulents around the yard. Hopefully it will all come together and I will share some pics with you later.

I have also been adding shelves around the house specifically for the little devil above. She needs more places to get away from the pups and I have been watching too much "My Cat from Hell."

Finally, it was time for a change from the pink hair. Apparently bleaching the pink out would turn my hair orange, so I decided to go dark. And I am still trying to grow my hair out, but I couldn't resist getting a little taken off.

Four weeks ...

2011-04-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

In my last post I mentioned that I had taken a good friend to the emergency room because she was having trouble breathing even after having taken a week's worth of antibiotics for walking pneumonia. That was four weeks ago. Four weeks filled with ups and downs, hospital visits, and a million text messages. Four weeks of meeting some really great people, unnerving moments, and looking for anyway to help. Four weeks that felt like forever, yet went by incredibly fast.

She is still in the ICU and we are all sending her our love and hoping for things to turn around.

As for me, I am pretty much a mess. My body hurts more days than not because the stress is causing my RA to flare. I am still not really sleeping and when I do it is mostly nightmares. Plus my anxiety seems to be mounting each day and each time the phone rings.

I am attempting to take care of myself because I know that I cannot help anyone if I am falling apart. Even though I do not want my friend to know that I am there for her, I am trying to limit my visits because it is so draining. I am trying to distract myself with other things, such as gardening, to keep from obsessively worrying. And after several weeks of emotional eating, I am starting to watch my diet a little more.

I do not know when I will post again, but hopefully it will be about D making a complete recovery and leaving the hospital.

I wanted to thank Lauri and Jamie for everything. They have taken the time to keep us updated on every little thing that has happened and without them we would be lost.

I cannot forget Angela, who is the best friend ever and always there for me.

And Rommel, my loving husband, who has been so understanding and still loves me through my bitchier moments.

D, we miss you and love you.

A Very Long Week ...

2011-03-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

Rommel was set to go out of town on Thursday and even though I knew my anxiety could be controlled, I honestly did not want him to leave. Since my RA has flared up again, I do not want to have to deal with anything more than the usual day to day stuff. But I also know that Rommel has work commitments and that if I asked him to stay, it might set back the progress I have made with my anxiety.

I saw my hypnotist on Thursday morning for what you might call a refresher, to build up my confidence. Then I came home to get Rommel and take him to the airport. I was feeling unusually calm, so I decided to run all the errands on my list. By the time I got home I was in pain and exhausted, so I crashed on the couch and watched movies the rest of the night.

Friday I kept myself busy after work by having dinner with the girls. I have not been able to have dinner at a busy restaurant in so long because it always made me too nervous. It was absolutely amazing to see my friends and catch up. I think this will definitely have to be a regular occurrence.

Saturday was going to be a day to get stuff done at the house after work, but it did not go as planned. I ended up taking a very good friend to the emergency room after she had been sick for two weeks and not responding to antibiotics. After they admitted her to the hospital, I just tried to keep myself busy knowing that she was in good hands.

I went to work Sunday morning to finish up a few things and then headed to the airport to get Rommel. It was so nice to have him back!

As a kind of reward for getting through the weekend, Rommel and I had tickets to the Supernatural program of Paleyfest 2011. To raise money for the Paley Foundation, they have several programs where the actors/directors/writers of particular television shows talk about the show and answer questions. I do not watch many fictional shows, but I do really enjoy Supernatural and it was great to get to go to the event.

We decided to sit in the balcony, but I still took a few pictures -

My only complaint about the event was that it was general admission, which means we ended up standing in line for quite a while before the doors opened. Not the smartest idea for a girl whose RA is acting up. My whole body was feeling it and I was completely drained by the time we left. We had planned to go out to dinner too, but decided to just pick something up instead.

As for the last two days, it has been filled with a lot of worry for my friend and I keep checking my phone for updates. I want to do everything I can for her, but there is not a lot to be done at the moment. I just hope she knows how much we love her.

A Day at the Getty Center

2011-03-06T20:38:00.000-08:00

One of my goals for 2011 was at least once a month to do something I would not normally do / go places I would not normally go because of my anxiety. We already went to Disneyland this month, but I want to keep my confidence level high so we headed to the Getty Center today.

It was absolutely amazing! Between the tram up to the museum, all the buildings, the gardens, and the outside sculptures, the place is so huge that it would be impossible to get a good look at everything. The nice thing is that you only have to pay the $15 for parking and admission is free, so we could potentially go several times without putting too much of a dent in our wallet. Although I was definitely tempted to spend the money on a Van Gogh doll with detachable ear.

The were so many great parts of the Getty. One of the current exhibits is on early photography in China, which we could have spent hours looking at. I am always interested in learning about people's lives and this exhibit was definitely an aspect we would never have found out about otherwise. There was also the exhibit of Medieval manuscripts. It is unbelievable to me to see something so fragile that has survived hundreds of years.

My favorite piece was probably Van Gogh's Irises. It is so vibrant and stunning when it is right in front of you. No book or poster could ever do this painting justice.

The central garden was also fabulous and it was wonderful that they had so many places to just sit and hang out. People were playing with their kids on the lawn and enjoying the view of the city. There are several cafe carts, so you can buy lunch and just relax outside.

We only spent about two hours walking around before I felt like I needed to leave because my pain was getting bad, which was actually good timing since Rommel can get bored rather quickly and we were getting hungry. We picked up lunch and then relaxed for the rest of the day.

I took several pictures while we were there with both my digital camera and the new Holga I just bought. Hopefully the Holga pictures turn out well and I can share them with you later, but for now here are a few of the digital ones.

We will have to go back in April or May when the gardens are completely in bloom. I am sure it will be breathtaking!

As I mentioned, I have been in quite a bit of pain lately. I made the mistake of wearing cute ballet flats yesterday at work and after a short walk with Rommel my feet were in serious pain, along with my hips and hands. I did not get much sleep last night because it feels like my feet are constantly cramping up, like they are bound or something.

After experiencing that short "remission" I had a couple of weeks ago, I am definitely eager to get back to that point. I am enjoying all the wonderful experiences, such as the Getty, but they will be that much better without the pain.

Please Show Support for a Fellow RA Blogger

2011-03-06T19:07:00.000-08:00

The other day I read an article from Health.com called 15 Things Not to Say to Someone with RA. Not only did I think it was a great article, I also recommended it on my Facebook page and suggested it to a few people that have made the kind of comments talked about in the article.

Then today I check out RA Warrior, a blog on Rheumatoid Arthritis, like I do every day. I was unbelievably disappointed to find a post called Three Things Not to Say about Plagiarism to a Blogger where Kelly shows that the author of the Health.com article stole from her site. After reading the two articles side by side, it is extremely difficult to deny that the content originally came from the RA Warrior post months ago.

When I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis over a year ago, Kelly's blog was the site I went to for all my questions and she was incredibly supportive, even taking the time to answer my questions personally. I urge everyone to head over to Health.com and leave a comment showing their support for Kelly.

A Hair Cut and the Zoe Zoe

2011-03-04T20:55:00.000-08:00

I have been growing my hair out for quite awhile now but the ends were looking pretty rough, so I went to get it trimmed today. I know prices are going up for everything lately, but it kills me a little inside each time I pay $45.00 for a hair cut. Maybe it is growing up in the Midwest and never paying more than $12.00 at any salon for a cut. But then again, this is LA.

I am definitely still digging the pink hair. I thought about switching to purple for a whole two seconds, but pink is my thing.

Since I had my camera out and Zooey was looking cute as always, I took some pics of her too. I really need to include more photos of the pups next time.

And then she got annoyed by the camera in her face ... and she bit me ... more than once.

Holga, Holga, Holga

2011-03-03T20:26:00.000-08:00

I finally received my new Holga camera in the mail today and I am just dying to try it out! I am particularly excited to try out the features that let you expose the film for longer time periods and expose a frame several times. There are also four color lenses for the flash, which I have no idea what to do with yet.

The camera is completely made of plastic, even the lens, which is why it is considered a toy camera. As far as I am concerned, it just adds to the charm. Although I am a little worried about breaking it since I can be rather klutzy at times. But it is not like it costs hundreds of dollars like other cameras. Plus any cracks in the plastic can be taped up and light exposure on the film supposedly adds to the originality of the photos.

I spent the day running around town looking for the 120mm film the camera uses. But guess what? It's not so easy to find film anymore let alone high quality film. Only specialty camera shops carry 120mm (probably should have checked that out earlier). I finally just ordered some online because it is so much cheaper.

But I am so impatient and I want to try it out as soon as possible. After reading the lomography book that came along with it, I found out the you can adapt the camera to use 35mm film by taping the film to the spool and stabilizing it with a couple pieces of foam. I will definitely have to try it this weekend when we visit the Getty!

Dumb Ass

2011-03-02T21:41:00.001-08:00

There are many reasons why your Rheumatoid Arthritis may flare up. There are so many that sometimes it seems like there is no real reason and the RA just feels like making you completely miserable.

But every now and then, you can pin point exactly what brought the pain back.

In this instance it was feeling so great that I did not take my medication several nights last week.

I feel like someone has been repeatedly beating the bottoms of my feet with sticks all because I did not take two seconds to swallow some pills before bed.

Not again.

You Wore What?

2011-02-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

I have an extremely hard time getting going in the morning and I tend to just throw on a t-shirt, jeans, and a sweater. I have been trying to break out of my fashion rut and decided to take pictures here and there to share.

Brooches have definitely been a recurring theme lately, which I picked up at a flea market and Etsy.

I was feeling exceptionally fashionable on Monday and felt like wearing a cute, frilly dress. It was made of several layers that just made me want to twirl. I also put away my usual Converse for a pair of ballet flats. The sad thing is that my feet seem to have gotten larger over the last year and most of my flats are pretty tight on my poor toes. I guess I will have to go looking for new shoes!

I would love to be able to still wear heels, but it bothers my feet to even stand up in them plus they do not really fit my job, etc. I found a pair that I absolutely love the other day at TJ Maxx. Oh, how I wish I could wear these! I doubt my husband would agree to the $179.99 price tag though (it even makes my heart stop a little).

KROQ Acoustic Christmas - A Little Late!

2011-02-21T20:54:00.000-08:00

I woke up around one o'clock this morning and could not fall back to sleep for the life of me. Even after taking a warm shower, I just laid there thinking about anything and everything. I spent quite a bit of that time thinking about my blog and I realized that I never posted my pictures from KROQ Acoustic Christmas, which is crazy because it was such a huge event for me! It was a great concert but the real reason it meant so much to me is that I never thought that I would be able to go to a concert again without having a panic attack. But after five years of not being able to be in crowded places and some hypnosis, I was able to do it! And I had such an amazing time too!

The pictures are not the best quality, but I had been determined to document the night so that I could go back and remind myself what I accomplished.

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros were so much fun and a great way to start the evening.

Broken Bells were amazing live and it was so cool to see them considering they had never intended to tour for their album.

I was really excited to see Neon Trees because I was all about loud upbeat music at the time. It was great to jump around and sing along to their best songs.

And Florence and the Machine - it was hard to describe. Just amazing.

My favorite of the night was the Black Keys! LOVE THEM!

And Brandon Flowers! I am totally in love with him and his solo album.

Vampire Weekend was great too!

I did not manage to get pictures of Temper Trap, which was kind of annoying because Rommel kind of looks like the lead singer. I wanted to compare their pictures.

When we left the theater I was seriously floating. I was so excited about the concert and that I was not only able to get through it without a panic attack, but always really enjoy it.

As we left an extremely kind couple took our picture by the Christmas Tree at the entrance of Universal Studios City Walk. It was such a great night!!!

This is so beautiful ...

2011-02-19T10:33:00.000-08:00

I am not necessarily a big fan of Lady Gaga's newest song, but there is a version on You Tube by a young girl that is absolutely incredible.

Then this morning I heard the radio interview with Maria where she was surprised by Lady Gaga.

Whether you like Lady Gaga or not, the whole thing was heart warming and I could not stop from tearing up.

It's Not RA, So Now What?

2011-02-18T21:47:00.001-08:00

I finally received the results from the x-rays on my cervical spine. The good news is that the x-rays were normal and my upper back / neck are not being affected my Rheumatoid Arthritis. The bad news is that the rheumatologist could not give me any answers whatsoever.

I have been doing everything I can to release the tension in my back but nothing has helped at all. I have tried heating pads, ice packs, hot showers, baths with Epsom salts, muscle patches, cervical spine pillows, stretching, working on my posture, and pain killers. I also tried a muscle relaxant that the doctor gave me over the summer for the same problem, but it just took the edge off.

I went for a massage yesterday and a hour later I was over the moon to feel semi-normal again. By the time I went to bed I was tensed up again and barely slept.

I made an appointment with my primary care physician to see if there is anything else we could do. We went over everything and he was pretty much at a loss. It is not my bones or joints and he does not think that it is nerves because I am not experiencing numbness. He examined my back and said that my muscles seemed pretty soft, yet all I feel in tenseness and pain.

He offered me stronger pain killers, which is definitely not the direction I wanted to go because it would not be treating the cause. After a long discussion, I finally asked about a stronger muscle relaxant. He told me I could double up on what I have been taking and I told him that I wanted to stick to the pain killers that I already have. I did agree to try a lidocaine pain patch that I have not tried before and maybe call a chiropractor.

In the end the doctor told me that if this does not work he wants me to see someone about pain management and possible injections. I just hope that this helps enough that I can go back to doing yoga and exercising, which will hopefully help even more. Plus losing weight will help a lot.

Fingers crossed.

Seven Years

2011-02-13T21:52:00.001-08:00

I cannot believe Rommel and I will have been married for seven years tomorrow, Valentine's Day. It has gone by so fast and has been absolutely amazing! I have the most incredible, loving, adorable husband ever.

To celebrate our anniversary, Rommel took me to Disneyland on Saturday. I will admit that I was very worried about getting exhausted really quickly or developing pain. And even though I have been doing great lately, anxiety is always in the back of my mind. I tried to prepare for whatever I could and I set my mind on having an incredibly time no matter how long it lasted.

We showed up early and did not have to stand in any lines very long, which was awesome, and the first thing I did was purchase some fabulous sequin Minny ears. Then we rode the carousel, the tea cups, It's a Small World, and Pirates of the Caribbean.

After about three hours, I began to get really warm from the constant sun so we took a break with some funnel cake before browsing all the wonderful little shops on Main Street Disney. Finally we walked through Downtown Disney, which now has some very great pop art, before leaving in the early afternoon.

We may not have stayed the whole day, but we had a wonderful time and I was not falling down exhausted when we walked out, which was nice. I even had enough energy to hit the outlet malls, where Rommel found a limited edition pair of Air Jordan's for less than half the price (which made me very, very happy).

It was truly a great anniversary and I am an incredibly lucky woman.

Snow Days at the Los Angeles Zoo

2011-02-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

We wanted to try and spend as little money as possible this last weekend to save for our anniversary. It just so happened that the Los Angeles Zoo was having their snow days where they cover certain animal habitats with snow. This was perfect for us because we have a membership to the zoo and the only money we would spend would be any food, etc.

The elephant, tiger, brown bear, giant otter, and snow leopard habitats were not really covered in much snow since it was pretty warm that morning, but there was some and the animals really seemed to be enjoying it. On previous visits, the tigers always seem to be sunning themselves and enjoying a lazy day, but on this occasion they were incredibly active. It was interesting to see this amazing animal behaving just like our six pound house cat behaves.

We also went to the bird show, which we almost always seem to miss. The best part of the show was the crow named Jack. He had been trained to find a hidden aluminum can and then place it in a recycle bin to show the children the importance of recycling.

After two hours of walking around, we came home to our own little zoo full of interesting animals. I was in some pain and wiped out for the rest of the day, but as always it was worth it and we definitely enjoyed ourselves.

Joker, Penguin, Green Goblin, and Rheumatoid Arthritis

2011-02-09T08:18:00.000-08:00

A year after my diagnosis and I am just starting to put a face and persona to the invisible illness that is RA. It is like a comic book villan whose life long goal is too destroy the hero/heroine and is always waiting in the shadows for the perfect moment to attack. The heroine endures battle after battle with her nemesis and just when she thinks she has escaped its evil clutches, RA strikes again.

Even though they are constantly at war, good shall prevail! I will just have to find a cute cape to wear for this current battle. Would pink sequins be too much?

Dr. Zen and the Sobbing Mess

2011-02-06T21:28:00.000-08:00

It has been a couple of weeks since my last rheumatologist appointment which was just enough time to scrutinize, dissect, and over think what happened. If I had written about it at the time, it would have been a huge bitch fest, but now I feel like I have a better perspective on the whole thing.

An important thing to mention first - I refill my pill organizer every Sunday evening to get ready for the next week. Apparently the Sunday before my appointment, I ran out of an anxiety medication. The problem is that I did not realize it until Thursday morning when I looked at the pills in my hand and thought there were not enough there. Over the course of the week I had been getting gradually more anxious and hyped up, like I was drinking more and more coffee. That Thursday I felt like I drank a whole case of red bull and it turns out that it was from the withdraw. Even though I realized the medication was missing the morning of my appointment and took a pill as soon as I went to the pharmacy, it would take a couple of days for my body to adjust.

Now the appointment - I was extremely prepared to see my rheumatologist and had a list of the most important symptoms/problems to speak to him about. My upper back/neck pain has been so bad lately and I honestly feel pretty much the same as I did when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis a year ago. I also have not had a decent nights sleep in forever. I felt like this was the appointment where I needed to get answers. Even though I have been doing really well with my anxiety lately, the withdraw and the importance I placed on the appointment added up to a really panic-inducing situation.

The physicians assistant usually makes me feel more comfortable, kind of like a mother, and is one of the reasons I decided to go to this rheumatologist. But after asking me if I was seeing a therapist about my anxiety (which she does every time), she proceeded to ask me if I ever considered Overeaters Anonymous for my weight. I know that my weight is a big issue which I am working on. But instead of addressing the issue with concern, it felt like I was being attacked.

Then Dr. Zen came in. I tried to explain how bad my upper back problems have been and that I was actually missing work because of it. Plus there was all of the cracking and grinding noises that my spine is always making when I move. He told me that my blood tests showed that the inflammation is going down and he wanted to double my dosage of sulfazine. I asked about my back again and he told me we would just have to wait until the inflammation was gone to see if it had to do with the RA or not. I asked what am I supposed to do for now and he said, "you have pain killers." But I try not to take them, were there any other options? Not right now. I asked about the fact that I have not had a good nights sleep in months and he said again that I would have to wait until the inflammation was gone.

I was so tired from the anxiety, the pain, not sleeping, and not getting answers. I was so tired of feeling like no one was listening to me that I pretty much lost it and began sobbing. And I do not mean watching a sad movie kind of sobbing. I mean making scary primal noises sobbing.

They handed me some Kleenex and waited for me to calm down, which I eventually did. Dr. Zen finally decided to refer me for an x-ray of my spine to see if there was any damage, etc, but I honestly think it was just to placate me.

After a long walk with the dogs and some time to think about things, I started to see the bigger picture and also the doctor's point of view. He cannot treat all my symptoms without knowing if they are due to the RA or not, which we will find out once the inflammation is gone. My most recent blood tests show that the newest medication is working and the inflammation is still high but it is the lowest it has been over the last year, which is really good news that I could not appreciate at the time.

But I am not sorry for the sobbing mess I became in that office because that is how I really felt about this whole situation - tired and hopeless. It was a little embarrassing, but I think they got the point.

As for how I feel now, I am more optimistic about the whole thing. My upper back is still causing me a lot of problems, especially with work but I had x-rays done on Thursday and will hopefully hear from the doctor this week. If they do not show anything, that means it is all muscular and if they do, we will take whatever the next step is. I am also trying to do as much as I can to make life more comfortable for myself. I joined Weight Watchers online and have already lost a few pounds (more on this later). I am still not sleeping well, so I am coming home at lunch and taking a nap if I need it. And although it has only been a couple of weeks, my joint pain seems to be getting better now that I am taking a larger dosage of sulfazine.

Bloglovin'

2011-02-05T14:53:00.000-08:00

I follow quite a few blogs on a regular basis. Everyday I run through my list of bookmarks never knowing who which ones have new posts, etc. To make things a little easier I decided to join Bloglovin', which keeps a list on the newest posts from my favorite blogs.

You can also follow me on Bloglovin'!

Follow my blog with bloglovin

How I Have Spent My Days Recently

2011-01-31T20:13:00.000-08:00

Sore Throat, Runny Nose, General Sickiness
Nyquil
Sleep, Sleep, Sleep
Really Bad Sickiness
Supernatural: Season One
Nyquil
Sleep, Sleep, Sleep
Really, Really Bad Sickiness
Supernatural: Season Two
Nyquil
Sleep, Sleep, Sleep
Supernatural: Season Three
Nyquil
Sleep, Sleep, Sleep
Doctor Says I Should Have Come In Earlier
Nyquil
Sleep, Sleep, Sleep
Bowling Birthday Party!!!!

That was my week with the flu.

Be Back Soon

2011-01-23T20:48:00.000-08:00

I thought that I would write a long post after seeing my rheumatologist on Thursday, but I was so emotionally drained that I just have not been up to it yet. I will tell you that the appointment involved a lot of tears and unanswered questions.

I am sure that tomorrow will be a beautiful day (even though the Bears lost) and I will feel up to talking about my appointment.

Love you guys.

RA & Recovery Time - Update

2011-01-17T08:33:00.000-08:00

A couple of days after I wrote my last post, I was reading a book on the wide range of autoimmune diseases when I came upon something called post exertional malaise. About.com defines PEM as

a vague feeling of body discomfort or a general feeling of being unwell, much like you feel when you're coming down with a cold or the flu.
Post exertional malaise is a period of intense exhaustion and increase in symptoms that lasts for more than 24 hours following physical exertion.

Several of the websites I read also describe a "crash" that happens after physical/mental exertion, which can be anything from exercise to daily chores.

I just kept thinking, "This is me! This is what happens to me! This is what I go through every time I push myself past small amounts of activity!" Then I thought, "Why was I able to find this, but no doctor I have ever talked to has been able to tell me what is happening?"

I am definitely going to bring this up when I see my rheumatologist on Thursday, especially since this is not typical of Rheumatoid Arthritis. PEM is actually considered a symptom of chronic fatigue syndrome.

I answered one of my questions, but now I have so many more.

RA and Recovery Time

2011-01-11T20:50:00.000-08:00

When I first developed Rheumatoid Arthritis my anxiety level was pretty high. I was going out for errands and little things, but definitely not restaurants or other crowded places. Lets just say that my social calender was not packed with commitments.

After working with a hypnotist for the last few months, I have felt more and more comfortable going out or at least want to put myself out there a little more.

Now I am experiencing a whole new problem, dilemma, whatever you want to call it. Each time we have gone out, it takes so much out of me physically that I spend days recovering from it. One of the best examples I can give is when we went to the flea market this past Sunday. After four hours at the flea market, I was basically a walking zombie by the time we got home. We ate a quick lunch and then I crashed in bed for several hours. I tried to relax the rest of the day, but was suffering from a migraine and a lot of joint/muscle pain. The past two days have pretty much been the same. I struggle to get through a whole day of work without too much pain medication and then crash the rest of the evening. This is pretty much what happens every time - days of recovery.

This whole thing has got me second guessing chances to get out. A coworker's band is playing at the Viper Room later this month and I bought tickets for Rommel and I. I cannot help but go back and forth in my mind about whether it will be worth the energy and the recovery time. I keep telling myself that these opportunities are worth it and I will be so happy I went because I almost always am, but I can be very good at talking myself out of things too.

I just don't want RA to keep me from experiencing life the way my anxiety has. I will keep pushing myself not to miss out and if anything I will just have to plan better to allow myself the time to recuperate.

Videos!!!!

2011-01-11T14:08:00.000-08:00

Obviously I have been very productive today and found a bunch of videos for everyone to enjoy!

<br/><a href="http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/pug-sings-batman-theme/200lgm0o?q=Viral%20song&rel=MSN&fg=sharenoembed" target="_new" title="Pug Sings Batman Theme">Video: Pug Sings Batman Theme</a>

<br/><a href="http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/home-by-dad-and-daughter/20mimux1?q=Viral+song&rel=msn&from=en-us_msnhp&form=msnrll&gt1=42007&fg=sharenoembed" target="_new" title="'Home' By Dad And Daughter">Video: 'Home' By Dad And Daughter</a>

<br/><a href="http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/toddler-loves-bob-marley/20ocidwr?rel=msn&fg=sharenoembed" target="_new" title="Toddler Loves Bob Marley">Video: Toddler Loves Bob Marley</a>

Flea Market Fun

2011-01-09T16:48:00.000-08:00

Rommel and I headed to the Rose Bowl for the flea market that is held there once a month. Let me just tell you that this flea market is absolutely huge with antiques, vintage items, and handmade items. We walked around for almost four hours and still did not see everything.

I set out looking for vintage jewelry, such as brooches, and maybe a smaller purse. I ended up finding some scarfs and a peacock brooch that will be perfect on my orange coat.

I have also been looking for a ceramic plate that has the ridges on it to divide up food. I am not obsessive about it or anything but I prefer different foods not to touch each other. And I found a quirky one for five bucks! We were walking out of the flea market gates and I lost my grip on my bag. Crack! I was really hoping that the damage would be small so that I could glue it together, but it was worse than I thought.

We also had a nice surprise when we ran into the Thierry Guetta from Banksy's movie, Exit Through the Gift Shop. He was extremely nice and when we asked for a picture, he insisted that he take one with both of us.

Four hours of walking definitely took everything out of me, but it was so much fun and I cannot wait to go back again.

My body is completely achy now so the rest of the day will be filled with blankets, books, and mac and cheese. Definitely a good day.

The Things We Do for Our Pets

2011-01-07T17:12:00.000-08:00

My poor Sunny Bunny has not been feeling so great lately. She jumped off the bed the other night and as soon as she landed on the ground, I heard a heart breaking yelp. She stopped using one of her hind legs for a couple of days, but is slowly starting to put pressure on it again. Like most dogs she is a real trooper and if it was not for the little hopping motion she makes, you would not know anything was wrong. She has an appointment to see the vet soon to make sure everything is okay.

Sunny will be twelve in April and I know that she will not always be able to jump on and off the bed like she did. But I just can't leave my little girl sleeping in a dog bed when the other animals are snuggled in our bed with us, so I decided to look for pet stairs or a ramp. The problem is that everything on the market is made for tiny dogs or just seems way to flimsy. I finally gave up the search and just decided to make it myself by adapting a design from a Los Angeles Times article.

I started with a 1/2" thick piece of plywood, a box of 1" wood screws, a drill, and a power saw. Don't you just love my make-shift work table? It's made of two plastic sets of drawers that we have had out in the garage for a while.

I cut out seven pieces - the platform, the backing piece, the end cap, the ramp, the support piece, and the two sides.

The plywood itself probably would have been sturdy enough to hold Sunny, who is about thirty-five pounds, but if I was going to take the time to make a ramp, I wanted it to support Simba too if he ever needed it. Simba is not a small dog; he weighs about ninety pounds. So I added quite a few support pieces using scrap pieces of lumber I had lying around.

Finally I covered the top of the ramp with carpet from a runner that a found on sale somewhere. It was a little too wide, but I just cut a couple inches off and used duct tape to bind the edge for now.

Eventually I will bind the edge of the carpet with actual binding, sand the edges down, and paint the plywood, but I wanted it to be available to Sunny while her leg is bothering her. Unfortunately she will not even go near it right now. I guess I will have to wait until she feels better and train her to use it.

At least the cat loves the ramp. Apparently Zooey thinks it makes the perfect scratching post and launch point for attacking the dogs.

Floats, Rain, and Donations

2011-01-04T21:47:00.000-08:00

On Sunday Rommel and I set out to see the Rose Parade floats that are on display the day after the actual parade. I thought that it could be my new experience for January and fulfill one of my goals for 2011. But once we got to the Rose Bowl we realized that we would have to pay for the tickets and the shuttle to the floats plus it was starting to rain. I will admit that part of me was worried about panicking and not being able to leave when I wanted because of the whole shuttle thing, but I was going to go through with it. Then Rommel said that he did not really care if we went or not, so we opted to do something else instead.

We headed to Melrose Ave. to browse the vintage shops and see if I could find some fabulous costume jewelry. We found the best little trading post / flea market when we got there and it was only two bucks to get in. Then it started pouring. We wandered around the booths for a short time before the vendors started packing up.

As you can tell, Rommel was none to pleased to be walking around in the cold rain while I looked for jewelry.

We finally decided that we should go home where it was warm and dry to watch movies. At least we tried though! And Rommel agreed to go to the Rose Bowl Flea Market next weekend, which is a huge gathering of antiques, handmade items, and food. I can't wait!

And I was able to accomplish one goal on my list which was to sort through some of my stuff and pull out anything I do not use, etc. I ended up with two boxes of clothes for Goodwill and a box of books for the library. I don't know why you would want to see a picture of the boxes, but I was happy about finishing the task and decided to post one anyway.

I have also been working on my blog by adding pages about myself and my medications. Hopefully there will be more cool stuff to come.

Ready for 2011

2011-01-01T19:53:00.000-08:00

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want my life to be in 2011 and how I am going to make it happen. I know that I want to be less anxious, healthier, and be living a more fulfilling life.

I do not think that I have actually kept a new year's resolution before and I think a large part of that is because they are so imprecise. Saying that you are going to lose weight in the new year is not a plan; it is not going to help you accomplish what you want. So instead of coming up with resolutions, I wrote out a list of goals for the new year; something that can actually be defined and measured.

I will continue to work on my anxiety through hypnosis and new experiences. I will do one thing each month that I would not normally do or that I have not done in a very long time because of anxiety. For example, last month I went to a concert that was attended by about 6,000 people. I have not been to a concert in about six years and I never imagined that I would ever go to one again because crowds make me anxious. But I did it! I am hoping that by the end of the year I will be confident enough that we will be able to fly home to see my family for the holidays.
The first week of every month I will go through our house and purge items that I do not wear, do not need, or that do not enhance our life in some way. I will donate the items or give them to someone I know will appreciate them.
I will work on my blogging, which I know is a vague goal but I will come up with something more. I know that I want to be more consistent and have more content, probably on autoimmune diseases, but I am not sure exactly how yet.
I will lose weight. And yes, part of this goal is about how a look, etc, but a larger part of it is about my health. Being diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in 2010 was a big wake up call. Not only does it cause joint pain and fatigue, but the inflammation can cause a large number of complications involving your lungs, heart, etc. Obviously this goal will have to be made up of many aspects and I came up with a plan for the first four months.

1. January
At least 16 ounces of green shakes a day (more on this in another post)
Only drink tea/water/freshly juiced vegetables and fruits
Eat out no more than two times a week
Walk the dogs at least three times a week
Practice yoga at least one time a week
2. February
At least 24 ounces of green shakes a day
One tea (no more than one time a day)/water/freshly juiced vegetables and fruits
Eat out no more than once a week
Walk the dogs at least five times a week
Practice yoga at least two times a week
3. March
At least 32 ounces of green shakes a day
Only water/fresh juiced vegetables and fruits
Only eat out at special occasions
No dairy or sweets (still need to clarify)
Walk dogs at least five times a week
Practice yoga at least three days a week
4. April
At least 32 ounces of green shakes a day
Only water/fresh juiced vegetables and fruits
Only eat out at special occasions
Go gluten free
Walk dogs at least fives days a week
Practice yoga at least three days a week

I am going to give myself permission to adjust my goals as the year progresses and needs change. I have also thought of a reward system but I will talk about that at another time.

On lighter note, Rommel and I spent the first morning of the new year at the Los Angeles Zoo. It was an absolutely beautiful day, cold but still very sunny, and it did not really get busy until we were walking out the exit. We headed straight for the new elephant exhibit and it is nice to see that the male elephant finally has some company. If they cannot be in the wild or at a conservation site, at least they are at a really nice facility. (When they were building the exhibit I actually signed a petition against it.)

I guess I could technically cross my new experience for January off the list after visiting the zoo. Last time we were there I became extremely anxious because of the heat, the people, and being really far away from the exit and we ended up having to leave. But this time I enjoyed everything and we got a great walk in. I do not think I will cross my experience off though because the month just began and there is so much more to do.

Hopefully I can take the same picture next year but I will be lighter!

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year's Eve!

Lots of Celebrating!

2010-12-28T20:29:00.000-08:00

So far the holidays have been absolutely wonderful. I will admit that even though I was excited about previous Christmases, I was not big on seeing a bunch of people and doing a lot because of anxiety or fatigue. But I had my mind made up that this Christmas would be different and I would make the most of it.

After I left work on Christmas Eve, Rommel and I went to have dinner at his cousin's house. It was so nice to catch up with everyone and see their kids. Then we headed over to his friend's house, which has been a tradition since they were little kids. The best part was watching the kids open their gifts before bed.

On Christmas day we took our time waking up, went out to get breakfast, and then opened some gifts. My parents gave Zooey a few sardines stuffed with catnip and Sunny a couple new squeaky toys. They had no idea what to do for Simba since he does not really like toys and is picky about treats, so I gave him a couple of extra treats from us.

And yes, I realize that I talk to my pets like they are babies and I sound like I big dork, but that's me.

In the afternoon Rommel, his mother, and I headed over to his uncle's house for a huge feast of Filipino food. Finally we went to another friend's house to wish them all a happy holiday. I did not fully realize how long I have cut myself off from people until someone said it had been two years since we had seen each other. We only live maybe a hour away from each other and her family always has something going on, inviting people over.

In the end, it was kind of a gift to myself to realize how much I missed participating in life. I am not looking to go out every night, but I definitely want to widen my circle.

We also stopped by an outdoor shopping center in town that has a three story Christmas tree in the middle of the square. It was absolutely amazing to see at night and wanted to share a picture. There is also a picture of Santa's house which was just adorable.

I do not know if it was the extremely busy weekend or the fact that I forgot to take my medicine on Sunday night, but Monday was my worst day yet when it comes to RA. Every inch of my body was in pain and I felt at a complete loss at what to do. I called my rheumatologist, but they could not help me because he was out of the office. I ended up calling my sister and just crying to her. Apparently I scared her because next thing I know my mom is calling me and Rommel came home early from work (a very rare occurrence). Once I was home, I was able to get a little more comfortable, but the pain was still extreme. I took the mobic that I missed the night before and within a couple of hours I was able to complete the work that I could not finish at the office.

I woke up this morning feeling semi-normal again. The funny thing is that I had just told my mom that I did not think the mobic was helping me at all when apparently it was what was preventing the pain the whole time. (My doctor finally called with a prednisone prescription late this afternoon.)

And I am so glad that I was feeling better today because it would have sucked to feel bad on my birthday! And I have to say that it was a pretty awesome birthday. I received some beautiful gifts from people I love, had lunch with great friends, and spent the evening with my hubby who left work early to be with me.

Rommel also sent me some gorgeous flowers. I am so lucky to be married to such a thoughtful, loving guy.

Things I Love Thursday, Except It's Friday

2010-12-24T14:26:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe that tomorrow is Christmas! I am looking forward to seeing friends and family over the next few days even though my heart is breaking a little bit thinking about my parents and sister in Illinois and how much I miss them. I guess I just have to make flying home for next Christmas one of my goals for next year.

Here's some of the things I loved this week!

Our family holiday card turned out really well this year. I decided that I was not going to put one together this year because of the time it can take. But in the end I knew that I still really wanted our babies on a card. I used pictures of everyone that I already had and it came together fabulously.

I found the instructions for tiny hat ornaments on Arian Armstrong's blog and decided to make some to go with my holiday cards. They turned out pretty well.

One of the older gentlemen I work with always gives me a present at the holidays because he is constantly asking me to do favors for him at work (mostly having to do with the computer because he has never used one). Of course I would do the work anyway because I adore him and his wife. Sometimes the gifts are a little out of left field, although always appreciated. This year he gave me a very interesting bracelet, which is awesome because I am so into eclectic jewelry right now.

I watched quite a few movies over the last few days since it rained and rained and rained all week. One thing I really like about instant streaming movies with Netflix is that I can find obscure documentaries that I love. Here's a few a little info on the ones I enjoyed this week:

I absolutely loved Exit Through the Gift Shop: A Banksy Film, which is about the street art culture. It focuses on a man named Thierry Guetta who immigrated from France. After filming his cousin, Invader, place his artwork around France, Guetta becomes obsessed with filming street artists, including Shepard Fairy who created the famous Obama/Hope poster. But it was not the story of Guetta that I enjoyed (many people wonder if the film was a true story or another work by Banksy). What I loved about the film was witnessing these artists plan out their works and attempt to display them in public without getting caught.

At the end of the film, Guetta begins calling him Mr. Brainwash and constructs his own art show. I honestly did not like his work and wondered if it could even be considered art. Is it really art if you hire graphic artists to create a piece using your "vision"? Is it really art if you take another artist's piece and tweak it?

When You're Strange: A Film About the Doors was an an interesting take on the band and the larger than life figure that was Jim Morrison. The film included quite a bit of footage from a film Morrison made that was never released to the public. I honestly thought it was an actor portraying Morrison until I read the film info. I am always curious about people's stories and definitely enjoyed the film, but it definitely makes you wonder what would have happened to the band if Jim Morrison had not died at 27. Would they have just faded away instead of becoming such as huge piece of rock and roll in the sixties.

Blood into Wine is a documentary about Maynard James Keenan, lead singer of Tool, and Eric Glomski and their endeavor to establish a winery in Arizona. I am not a wine fan myself, but everything that goes into the complicated process of producing a successful wine is crazy interesting. Plus there is the element of growing grapes in an area not known for it and the stigma of being a rock star with a hobby.

And of course spending time with family! Rommel was able to leave work early on Thursday, so we were able to go out to eat and browse a couple of vintage places. I am still a little uncomfortable in restaurants, probably because there are not a lot of distractions, but I was not anxious and that is a little victory for me.

Happy Holidays Everyone!!!

Muscle Pain & New Meds

2010-12-20T21:29:00.000-08:00

I am not even sure how to describe the last two weeks. I have been experiencing more and more muscle pain and I woke up last Wednesday feeling the worst of it. I went to work even though I was fighting off tears because there were things that had to be done. I decided that I would walk to urgent care next door as soon as everything was finished since I knew it would be impossible to get in to see my rheumy.

Luckily I was able to get in to see my primary that morning. He ended up giving me a pain killer and prescribing Celebrex in addition to my other RA meds. My rheumy agreed with the Celebrex but insurance would not cover it, so they prescribed mobic instead. Out of all the crazy, complicated names there are for medications, the simple ones like mobic scare me the most. It is too small of a word for all the symptoms it can relieve and all the side effects it can create.

He also wants me to go back to physical therapy, which I am not really sure about. It definitely helped for the short time I went, which was about six months ago, but it was not long before I was in pain again. I made the initial appointment and the morning I was supposed to go I received a bill for $150.00 to cover what insurance would not pay for from six months ago. Of course the office could not tell me anything about it, but assured me I would only have to pay the co-pay for my current appointment. I still went to the appointment and I felt great for the rest of the day. A week later and I am fighting off the tears again.

I have been going back and forth between the physical therapy office and the insurance company to get that $150.00 paid. It seems that the office billed the insurance for three separate codes for each visit and the insurance understood that to be three separate visits. So my six authorized visits did not go very far.

Hopefully it will work out, which means it would be more probable that I could afford the $75.00 fee each visit costs since I now have a deductible that has to be paid off.

It basically just sucks. Of course the pain is awful, but the popping and grinding coming from my joints is unnerving as well. And I could be taking the pain killers instead of whining over things, but I am just really uncomfortable with taking yet another pill.

Now that the complaints are out of the way and I have released all that negativity, I am looking forward to having tomorrow off to rest and wrap a couple of things for some coworkers. Then I just have to get through working Friday before having two days off in a row. Yup, I said TWO DAYS OFF IN A ROW. It has been a long time since that has happened.

Plus there is Christmas and my birthday and gingerbread houses and time with the hubby! So much to look forward to!

Things I Love Thursday!

2010-12-16T21:14:00.000-08:00

I have so many things to write about, but my pain level has been insane lately and I have not felt like sitting in front of the computer. But I definitely wanted to write about the things I am loving at the moment and brighten the day a little.

I was browsing Cake's website and found a link to an article on Jason de Caires Taylor, an artist who creates life size sculptures of people and places them underwater off the coast of South America.

There are even more examples on Taylor's web site, including works with crowds of people. It's kind of eerie seeing these frozen figures on the bottom of the ocean, like you are witnessing something that you should not. But his work becomes increasingly beautiful as it becomes part of the underwater environment. Definitely check it out!

I am also loving The Black Keys latest album, Brothers. It's loud and raw and definitely sexy. You can catch a video of them playing live at KCRW that it great. They play a bunch of the songs from their new album and there is a short interview in the middle of the recording. I think that it is available until the end of December.

I just finished reading Orange Is the New Black: My Year in a Women's Prison by Piper Kerman. She served a year in a federal prison for a drug-related crime that she committed ten years beforehand. It was a really interesting story; one of those stories that make you appreciate what you have no matter how small, like not having to wear shower shoes.

I loved the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy by Stieg Larsson and there was a great article in this month's Rolling Stone magazine on the mystery surrounding the author. The same issue included the last interview that John Lennon did before his tragic death. It is another example of why he is one of my favorite musicians. (I could not provide a link to either article because they require a membership to access it - sorry!)

I am so happy that all the holiday cards have been mailed and presents have been wrapped. I wrapped most of the gifts in brown wrapping with beautiful ribbon and bows. But I also found the fabulous gnome wrapping paper at IKEA and used it to wrap the gifts I sent home for my parents, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend.

I am adoring all the wonderful holiday cards Rommel and I are receiving in the mail too! Everyday I find another card with a beautiful family on it, all of which make us smile.

As you can tell by my profile pic, I am into hats lately. I recently picked up this cute number with a bow at Urban Outfitters. I definitely think that it will get a lot of use this winter.

I have been attracted to costume jewelry where living creatures are the subject matter. I found this beetle pendant the other day and I could not resist a five dollar price tag.

Maybe it's the fact that I have a birthday coming up and just want to feel younger, but I am also loving hair bows. They are just so much fun and I can use some of that right now.

And finally, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly singing Peace On Earth / Little Drummer Boy from Funny or Die.

Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy with Will Ferrell & John C. Reilly from Will Ferrell

Things I Love Thursday!

2010-12-09T21:04:00.000-08:00

I was inspired to participate in "Things I Love Thursday" by Gala Darling quite a while ago, but one day I just stopped for some reason. It is definitely time to start making my list again!

Of course Gala Darling's website is one of my favorite things. It is a fun and empowering site about style, happiness, and finding adventure in the world.

Another website that I am obsessed with is Etsy, which is a website for people to sell handmade and vintage items. I especially love the geekery section where you can find everything from domino cuff links to tetris soap. I can start browsing the pages and before I know it time has flown by.

For awhile there I was all about t-shirts and yoga pants, but I feel like I am starting to get my groove back and wanting to look fabulous. I have been all about the jewelry this week, especially jewelry that involves owls. I just found a great ring on Etsy that has an owl head and wings made of pewter. I cannot wait to get it in the mail.

I also found this blingy ring at Target for about five bucks. Oh Target, how I love you!

Wrapping and giving gifts! Tomorrow is Rommel's birthday and he is the worst person shop for because he buys himself whatever he wants. When I try to ask him what he wants, he always says "I have you, that's everything I want." So cute, but so frustrating. But I think that I managed to find the perfect gift today. After wrapping his gift, I started on some Christmas presents that I had hidden away. This year I decided to wrap everything in brown paper and then use beautiful ribbon for the bows. I have to say that they look pretty darn good.

I am also loving a computer program called Malware Bytes. My dad suggested it to get rid of the virus that Norton could not pick up took over my laptop. Thank god it worked because I really did not want to be the downfall of a second computer this year.

Busy Weekend

2010-12-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

After struggling to get through work on Saturday, I had my mind set on attending our local Christmas parade. We planned on meeting a friend to grab dinner and find a sit somewhere along the parade route. Unfortunately I forgot how crazy it gets and we had to park several blocks away. First mistake - I wore my fake uggs to keep my feet nice and warm, but they are not very good for walking any type of distance. We finally got to the pizzeria and had a bite before the parade actually started, but we were too late to find a place up front. Second mistake - we did not bring any chairs and ended up standing behind several people to see anything. Maybe fifteen minutes into the parade and my feet were in serious pain. I did my little dance hoping from foot to foot, but most people just thought I was moving to the music of the fifteen different marching bands that performed in the parade.

After about an hour I began to pray for the end of the parade, but it just kept going. Our local public television station always broadcasts the parade and they had a little booth that details the parade for the viewers. They definitely took their time, so they had to stall the parade every few floats to prevent a backup. And then it started to get cold and my hands ached just sitting in my pockets. Third mistake - I was not paying attention and dropped my gloves on the walk to the parade. At some point we all decided to start walking back to our cars because I hurt everywhere and my friend's daughter was tired.

Despite all that complaining though, I was glad we went. The small main street covered in twinkling lights was beautiful and would put anyone into the holiday mood. We got to see a helicopter fly by several times with Santa waving out the side of it. Several of the local schools had marching bands that participated and I was amazed that the middle schools were so good. The best part was seeing all the children that participated. A local Korean group had their children in traditional dress and they were all so lovely, especially the really little ones. Plus I was able to spend time with my friend and her little girl, which is always a treat.

Today we decided we would take the dogs for a short walk and stop to have Sunny's nails clipped at the mobile vet clinic because I am way to nervous to do it myself. They were so happy to be out that they completely exhausted themselves pulling us along.

Then we headed to the Art from the Ashes exhibit. They are a non-profit organization that shows the work of local artists to benefit communities and individuals that have been affected by fire. From what I understand, the donations the gallery makes from visitors goes to charities and the artists receive exposure and a chance to sell their work. I know that the last exhibition raised enough money to replace signs in a local wilderness area that was destroyed in the Station fire last summer.

There were more than forty artists participating, each exhibiting several pieces. Many of the artists incorporated burnt remains, such as metal and glass, into their work. One of my favorites was one that used a large forked section of a tree that had been charred. The artist made it into a standing piece with two hanging lamps. Gorgeous. My favorite artist was probably Valery Milovic. Her work has a dark loveliness about it, if that even make any sense.

Obviously I could not take pictures inside the gallery, but I wanted to include something so I took some of the neon art outside the gallery.

We finished the day at the Disney store to pick up a toy for the toy drive we are having at work. Then we hung some Christmas lights outside and brought out the BBQ.

It was a completely exhausting and at times painful weekend, but definitely a good one.

Nope, Not Doing It, Never Again

2010-12-02T20:34:00.000-08:00

This morning I took Zooey to the vet to get spayed. I called Rommel as soon as I left and told him that he would be the one taking her to the vet from now on. I have taken other cats to the vet without a problem and the dogs get anxious but behave pretty well. But oh my god, Zooey was absolutely breaking my heart. She just cried and cried and cried. I seriously thought I would break down in tears at one point, but I also knew it was for the best. It was even worse when I picked her up. I could hear her before they even opened the door. The vet tech told me that she had been quite upset since the surgery, but they knew she was not in pain so it must just be stress.

At least she is home now and after a few hours alone in the spare room, she seems to be feeling better. She even wanted to play a little with a ribbon. I am still not taking her back to the vet myself unless it is an emergency. That is now on Rommel's list of responsibilities.

Other than that dramatic experience, the rest of the day was pretty run of the mill. I ran some errands, crossed some more Christmas presents off the list, and even tried to take a nap.

I also finally admitted to myself that I did want to have Sunny, Simba, and Zooey on our holiday cards. They are my children and I like to show them off! So I returned the cards I bought and went online to design some cards. I found a really great template that has six different picture spots that make up a Christmas tree. But having so many spots for pictures meant I needed to fill them up with more than just pictures of our pets, so I began searching for pictures. Pictures of the animals is no problem; I am always taking shots of them. Pictures of Rommel was a little harder. He tends to make the same goofy face in every picture I try to take of him and I definitely do not want to send that mug out to every person we know. I eventually found one of him and Sunny that was pretty cute. Then came the hardest picture to find - me. It's not that I avoid having my picture taken, even though I will admit that I do not really like it. I am just usually the one taking the pictures. After going through almost every photo I have, I finally ended just taking a new picture of myself. The even funnier part is that I actually kind of like it. I am excited to pick them up tomorrow and will post a copy closer to Christmas.

Then a bunch of random warnings and viagra ads began popping up on my computer. I try to be really careful about what I open, but apparently I am never careful enough and this is the second computer I have used this year that has freaked out due to a virus. I guess I should just be happy it was not my work computer this time.

Time to check on Zoe Zoe and then crash. Talk to ya later.

Losing Momentum ...

2010-11-30T20:38:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it was the craziness of the holidays, stress at work, or the cold weather, but I am really feeling it. I spent all of Sunday either sleeping or just feeling down right sucky with a headache and nausea. Yesterday was even worse getting through eight hours of work and I was dying to go back to bed when I finally got home. Unfortunately with all the crap on the floor in my bedroom, I did not notice that I had knocked over the humidifier at some point that morning. So instead of getting under the covers, I proceeded to muster up the drive to clean our bedroom.

Pushing myself yesterday has left me in even worse shape today. Joints and muscles that I did not even know existed are screaming in pain. And the popping! I sound like a human pop corn machine the way my joints are popping and crunching.

At least I managed to pack up my dad's birthday present and with any luck he will get it in time.

Now to bed and if I don't feel any better tomorrow, maybe having Thursday off will help.

Thanksgiving!

2010-11-27T19:05:00.000-08:00

Rommel and I had a pretty relaxed Thanksgiving, which is exactly what I was looking forward to. After sleeping in as late as I could, which was about nine, we went for a walk to pick up coffee and something for breakfast. We also grabbed a newspaper because Rommel wanted to check out the sales even though I think you would have to be insane to fight those crowds. (Despite my best intentions, we ended up hitting some sales on Friday and Saturday after work. It wasn't too crazy, but god, it was exhausting.)

Then we started the charcoal for the turkey. I ended up doing it all myself because I am a control freak like that and wanted it done right. That did not work out so well. Even after adding charcoal every hour for five hours, etc, I could not get the temperature of the turkey above 160. We finally brought it inside and while some parts of the turkey were cooked, other parts were not. We ended just nuking what we wanted to eat and settling in for our meal. It wasn't great, but we might try it again with some adjustments.

While the turkey was cooking, I worked on clearing out the garage so Rommel could get all the Christmas decorations down. I usually hit up the after Christmas sales every year and it's amazing how much I have accumulated that I completely forgot I had. For example, after deciding that I did not want to put the dogs through Christmas pictures, I bought Christmas cards at the bookstore. Then digging through my Christmas stuff, I found at least ten boxes of Christmas cards.

We put up the Christmas tree, hung all the ornaments, and did a little decorating inside the house. But now that I am looking at the picture I took of the Christmas, I am realizing that it is kind of lopsided. I might have to work on the tree a little bit more. Hopefully we will get to the outside lights this weekend.

Even with all the decorating and Christmas shopping we ended up doing, I managed to finish the most important item on my list - the baby blanket for my friend. I had intended to finish it by the time she was born, but I started crocheting it around the same time I began to have a lot of pain in my hands. It ended up being a very slow process, but I managed to get it done by the time she turned six months. I was so glad my friend loved it and hopefully her daughter will hold onto for a long time.

I am extremely happy that I have tomorrow to recover from the last few days. I definitely enjoyed every minute of the holiday, but I am also feeling it. Between the cold and being so busy, my hands and feet are incredibly achy. It will be nice to take it easy tomorrow and see if it helps relieve some of the pain before work on Monday.

I hope everyone had an amazing holiday weekend!

Having a holiday flag in front of our house makes me feel way too domestic, but it was too cute to pass up.

Justification ?

2010-11-24T09:58:00.000-08:00

My husband and I decided to take a short walk to some local shops the other day. I was hoping the movement would provide some relief for the achiness the cold weather was causing my hips and knees. We walked into the first store planning to head to the second floor when I noticed the yellow tape letting customers know the escalator was out of service. The other escalator was turned off so people could use it to walk up to the second floor. Apparently my husband recognized the look on my face that says "that is going to cause me pain" and he began looking for the elevator. I was definitely relieved because I was in enough pain that I would have rather left the store than walk up those stairs.

We found the elevator and while waiting for it two women with a cart came up to wait next to us. I was probably just paranoid, but I felt like they were giving me a weird look like they were wondering why a healthy looking woman was taking the elevator instead of the stairs. I could not help feeling like they were judging me. When we eventually got on the elevator, I felt compelled to mention out loud how the cold weather caused my knees pain or something so they would know I was not being lazy.

I know that I should not let it bother me, but even a few days later, I am still thinking about it. I guess it is just one of those things you have to get used to when you have an "invisible" illness.

Random Thoughts ...

2010-11-22T08:58:00.001-08:00

I watched the American Music Awards last night, which honestly was not very good but I am far from being a Justin Bieber, Usher, or Keisha fan. I somehow made it to the end of the show and who should appear on the stage? NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!!!

I was so in love with them in the fifth grade, especially Donnie because he was the bad boy of the group. I remember when they had a concert at a local stadium and everyone I knew seemed to be going, but my parents refused to buy tickets so that my younger sister and I could go too. They forced us to go out to dinner the night of the concert even though we were still holding a huge grudge (because this is a life and death matter when you are ten/eleven years old). We ended up in the stadium parking lot. They had bought tickets but wanted to surprise us. I think I even have pictures somewhere.

Not long after the concert, Donnie broke my heart when he was caught with an underage girl at some hotel and proceeded to light the curtains on fire.

Anyway, now I cannot get "The Right Stuff" or "Step by Step" out of my head.

Rainy Weather and Other Stuff

2010-11-21T18:41:00.000-08:00

I grew up in the Midwest where there are definitive seasons throughout the year, so the constantly sunny weather in California can get a bit monotonous. The recent cold, rainy weather is a nice break and makes it feel a little more like the holidays. Give me a good blanket and I am usually a happy camper, but since developing RA, I am definitely feeling that fifty-six degree cold in my joints. (My parents would so make fun of me for complaining about it being fifty-six degrees, which is nothing to them.) Not only do my hands and feet hurt, but every other joint in my body is aching too. It's like I just cannot warm up or get comfortable.

At least I started my knew medication today, which is called sulfazine. The doctor wants to try this before trying mtx again. From what I read the most common side effect is stomach issues, which is a little funny to me considering they also use sulfazine to treat IBS. But the pharmacist said that the pills are now coated so there should not be too much nausea. The two things that I was told to remember were to wear plenty of sunscreen because of sun sensitivity and drink lots of water. We'll give it a couple of months, have another blood test, and see if anything changed.

I also called the weight loss program that the doctor mentioned. Yes, it is doctor supervised. Yes, a very small portion may be covered by insurance. But I do not really have an extra $4500 in my bank account to throw around. I also wonder about their methods, which includes a six week liquid diet and then the transition back to solid food over the remaining weeks. I did quite a bit of research about the program and people do lose A LOT of weight in a very short period of time, but it sounds like people have a hard time keeping it off. Honestly, the only upside I could find to the whole thing was not having to think about what you are going to eat for twelve weeks. But I would still have to think about what my husband is going to eat.

So I was thinking I might just start green smoothies again. It is honestly the easiest way to get a lot of good things into my diet that I normally would not eat.

Anyway, I do not know anyone who wants to think about weight loss during the holidays and I am definitely ready for the holidays! I was originally going to order a pre-made Thanksgiving dinner for my husband, mother-in-law, and I, but that changed. I happened to mention that a coworker cooks her turkey on a charcoal grill and Rommel got all excited about the idea. I finally agreed that we could try it this year, which means that I will be cooking the turkey on the grill and Rommel will watch me. But he will be cute doing it!

I am also ready to get the Christmas decorations out. I got a great deal on a new artificial tree at work and it is sitting in the living room begging for ornaments. I just need to convince Rommel to dig everything out of the garage since it is a little to difficult for me.

Then I need to get some pictures of the fur babies for our Christmas card. They looked so cute last year, I hope I can top it this year. The wild card will be Zooey, our six month old kitten. She has definitely gone through some changes in the last couple weeks and seems feistier than ever. She was supposed to be spayed a couple of weeks ago, but just happened to go into heat a few days beforehand. We did not want to complicate the surgery even more, so we had to push it back a little. I think everyone in the house in glad she is past her "phase" now because she was driving us all a little crazy. We tryed to make her comfortable, but she just kept wandering around the house crying nonstop. Then one morning I woke up to her biting my feet and knew it was over. Now we are dealing with the fact that she has finally discovered the doggie door. It's always something! But I cannot say it enough - get your pets fixed people!

Anything else? Oh yeah, sparkly shoes! They may not be the most comfortable shoes, but if I cannot wear hot heels anymore, then by god, I am going to wear fabulous tennies. I have actually been looking for these forever, but Converse only made them for little girls. Then I walked into a store the other day and a glowing light shined down on them from above. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating a little, but they are AWESOME.

Running Around and Around

2010-11-18T19:12:00.000-08:00

So much for a day off! I had so many errands today that it was just as exhausting as a full day of work.

I headed out early this morning for my hypnotherapy session. We talked about working on keeping my anxiety level low when I am in crowded places, like the mall or a concert. As for what we actually covered, I could not tell you because I went completely under. Usually I am aware of the hypnotist talking while I visualize things. This time I remember hearing little bits here and there, but ended up asking how long I had been there. I swear it felt like I had taken a short nap, but it was actually about forty-five minutes.

Next I headed to the bookstore. I love the program I belong to at the bookstore and I had great coupons to put to use. I picked up a few cds because it has been quite a while since I updated my music collection and wanted something I could dance around the house to. I also found a book on things to do in Los Angeles. I think a lot of people would be surprised to know how few local points of interest I have been to considering I have lived in LA for almost seven years. But now that I am feeling more confident about my anxiety, I have an extremely long list of places to hit up.

I could not help stopping at Old Navy since it was next to the bookstore. I am not an extremely frugal person, but how can you not love Old Navy's clearance section, especially when it is an extra 50% off! I found two sweaters, two button up shirts, and two adorable tank tops and I got them all for less than forty bucks. Love it!

Then I had my second appointment with Dr. Zen, my new rheumatologist. I did have to wait quite a bit longer in the waiting room, but I really do think it was worth it. Once again the physician's assistant was great. She noticed the book I was reading when she walked in and we ended up talking about books for the first several minutes. Then she took the time to go over everything I wanted to talk about. I know they say to limit your questions to about three, but there are been so many new issues that I could not cut my list down. So the results of my rheumy appointment are as follows:

Even though my pain is bearable and not necessarily constant, I am dealing with pain in more joints than before, including my shoulders and neck.
My blood tests show that my inflammation levels are still extremely high.
I received a new prescription, which of course I cannot remember the name of. He said it was like mtx, but not as intense. As soon as I get it back from the pharmacist I will let you know what it is.
He mentioned my weight, which I know is an issue. But instead of just telling me to exercise, which can be more difficult when dealing with RA, he suggested a weight loss program. It sounds kind of like a version of weight watchers that is supervised by doctors. I will call and see what it is all about, but as always, the cost will be a big factor. So we'll see.

Then to the pharmacist, Costco, the grocery store, and I stopped by Starbucks to treat myself to a hot chocolate.

I ended up dragging myself in the house about five and absolutely could have crashed, but there is always more to do! I made dinner and finished up a couple of other little things.

At last I am sitting on the couch, watching The Solitary Man with Michael Douglas. I think that I will work on my friend's baby blanket for a while. It is taking forever to crochet this blanket because I have to stop when my hands get bad, but it will be worth it.

All in all, I definitely have to say that it was a really good day, tiring, but good.

RA update ...

2010-11-17T14:43:00.000-08:00

I had an appointment with my rheumatologist, who I shall call Dr. Pretend to Listen, scheduled for October, but I was having quite a bit more pain so they were able to fit me in early. I had typed up a whole page of notes detailing all of the new issues I have been having, such as pain in my hips. She casually glanced at it and then stuffed it into my file. She asked a couple of questions, but I could basically tell that she had already decided what she wanted to do, which was prescribing methotrexate. She did not explain the drug at all. Instead she relied on a piece of paper detailing the side effects of mtx, which frankly just scared the shit out of me. I did try to voice my concerns and ask more questions, but as far as she was concerned the appointment was over.

I went home feeling defeated and scared of my new prescription. I could not help but question whether I was at the point where I needed to take such a serious drug, but the doctor knows best, right? I tried to read as much as I could about mtx and plan for the possible side effects the best I could, which I detailed in previous posts. But honestly all I managed to do was freak myself out even more.

I took my first dose just before bed on a Saturday night. I woke up a hour later with my heart pounding and progressed into a full blown panic attack. I could not help but wonder if I made myself vomit, could I get the poison I had taken out of my system? And I did try, but I was not able to throw up. Eventually the anxiety wore me out and I fell back to sleep.

I slept a lot on Sunday, but felt descent and actually thought maybe the side effects would not be too bad for me. Then I woke up on Monday and realized that I was very wrong. I was sick to my stomach, my whole body hurt, and I wanted to crawl back into bed. I continued to feel that way the rest of the week and by Friday I had also come down with the flu. I called Dr. Pretend to Listen and she advised me to skip a week of the mtx so I could get over the illness.

Luckily I was on vacation the next week while my parents were in town because I still felt horrible. I did not want to eat anything but felt sick if I did not. I had a fever and felt like I was on fire if I exerted any energy at all. It was definitely a good time to have my mom around.

About three weeks passed before I felt “normal” again. The worst part is that I know the anxiety added to my reaction to the mtx. But who was supposed to calm my fears about taking it? My doctor sure did not care.

So I set out to find a new rheumy and searched the internet for any information I could on the doctors in the area that accepted my insurance. I finally chose one, I will call him Dr. Zen, and made an appointment. I asked my mom to go with me since she was still in town and I wanted someone to “have my back”. We walked into the small waiting room and were greeted by a lovely receptionist who was hanging up Halloween decorations. I took this as a good sign, not just because I love Halloween, but because it made everything seem lighter. After a short wait, they lead me into an examination room and within about five minutes the physician’s assistant came in. She had a motherly quality about her and I felt very comfortable speaking with her. When I told her about the mtx, she told me that there are negative side effects, but how widely used and effective it is. She explained that she had previously worked in pediatric rheumatology and knew plenty of children that had taken mtx. But she also let me know that there were other options out there. I felt so grateful for finding someone who not only explained things, but was also positive. If I did have to take mtx again, speaking with her would definitely make me feel more confident about it. She went to speak with Dr. Zen and they came right back in the room. He agreed with me that I was not quite at the point to take mtx and wanted me to continue on the plaquenil for right now. He explained everything to me and asked if I had any questions.

And I knew that I had found my new rheumy.

I have another appointment with Dr. Zen tomorrow for routine stuff, but I also have had a lot of shoulder and neck pain that I would like to talk to him about. Plus the air conditioning at work is bothering my hands and feet more and more.

It is definitely a good feeling not dreading seeing my doctor like I did with Dr. Pretend to Listen.

Be gone with you anxiety!

2010-11-16T21:25:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to write a post for a while now, especially since I have such good news to share.

Rheumatoid Arthritis has caused difficulties in my life, but anxiety has definitely been more limiting for me. I have had an anxiety disorder for about fifteen years and in a way I have "flares" of anxiety just like I do with RA. At times I may not experience any anxiety, other times I may be in a constant state of panic.

When my anxiety is high, I tend to limit activities outside of the house, at one point not even going to the grocery store. I also limit the amount of people in my life, not because I don't want them to know about the anxiety but because I do not want to disappoint them when my anxiety gets in the way of something. Because of this, my life is extremely focused around our home and I am very emotionally dependent on my husband.

Over the last year, I began to get anxious when Rommel would have an event for work, which happens A LOT. He has been so wonderful about getting out of events and trying to spend more time at home. I have also been working on becoming more comfortable with him being away because I know that it is completely unfair for him to feel guilty for being at work or out with his friends.

But the one thing I have really been dreading is a business trip and we both knew that there would come a time when he could not get out of one. He had mentioned a short trip in the beginning of December and I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to make some progress. So I made an appointment to work with a hypnotist that I have seen in the past.

I felt pretty good that I would have a few sessions done before his trip. Little did I know that the night before my first session Rommel would tell me he suddenly had a trip scheduled the next week. I felt like a bomb had gone off in my head and a millions of questions began popping up, none of them positive. I kept telling myself that this was a good thing, the challenge I needed, but I was completely terrified.

I went to my session and we worked on how I could calm down when I did get anxious. I felt pretty good when we were done and expected to make an appointment for the next week while Rommel would be out of town. But she told me to wait the normal two weeks because she was confident that I would not have any problems, plus I could call her as much as I needed too.

As his trip grew closer, I definitely felt more of a sense of calm than I normally would, which was already an improvement. The day he was due to fly out was definitely the most difficult though. I distracted myself with work and kept reminding myself to take deep breaths. But inside I really, really wanted to beg Rommel to not to go.

I woke up around four the first morning he was gone and my heart began to race. My first thought was "oh god, here we go" and I wanted to call Rommel. But then I reminded myself that he was sleeping comfortably in his hotel room. As the anxiety grew inside me, I told myself that the anxiety would not hurt me, which is not a way I have looked at it before. And instead of suffering through panic attack after panic attack like I have in the past, I fell back to sleep.

I woke up later that morning and the first thing to go through my mind was that song at the end of every Dora the Explorer - "We did it, we did it, we did it, hooray!" (I obviously watched a lot of cartoons with my nephews.)

The rest of the time went pretty quickly and I made it through all the little bumps that came up. I was expecting him home late the last day, but he called me from the airport early in the morning because his office needed him to come in. And when I hung up that phone, I let out a long breath knowing that I held made it.

I floated through the rest of the day, not just proud of myself but also excited for the future. Because the truth is that I cut so many things out of my life that I used to enjoy and avoided things that had the possibility of bringing joy to my life. It was easier to limit my experiences than to find joy in something and have the anxiety ruin it. Plus the fear of having an anxiety attack has kind of worn me down and I grew pretty comfortable in my little bubble. But coming through such a big anxiety-producing situation unscathed, I feel like dipping my toes in the water or maybe even cannonball in.

And even knowing that there will be more bumps, I am really looking forward to what the future holds. I am making a list of all the things I want to go out and do that I would not have been willing to do a couple of weeks ago. There is even a concert in December that would be amazing to go to, which might be pushing it a little since even the mall causes me anxiety. But concerts used to be one of my favorite things to do and maybe they will be again.

I also know that I need to reach out to more people. I love Rommel dearly, but becoming so dependent on him is part of the reason I get so anxious without him around. So I also have found a couple of book clubs that are meeting in December. I figure that they would be a good place to start since I spend a HUGE amount of time reading.

Here's to finding joy in new experiences!

You can rest easy now people, I'm back ...

2010-11-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of October, my parents flew out from Illinois to stay with my husband and I for a week. We spent the whole time relaxing, going to local restaurants and shops, and working on the house. I was able to get all the sleep I needed and take better care of myself by eating real, home cooked food, both of which gave me the energy to help complete a lot of home projects.

It has been so long since I have felt like myself, but the time off of work and with my family allowed me to feel like me and not some depressing slob. It reminded me that I am so much more than this disease. It may be a part of my life, but it is not my whole life.

So I have decided that I am going to keep up with my blog and write about my experience with Rheumatoid Arthritis, but also about everything else. There is so much more to my life!

Since our vacation I have been doing pretty well. I have been experiencing pain, but I have also been pushing myself to keep active by working around the house or at least cooking dinner (and it had been awhile since I had done that).

So here are some pictures of what has been going on in my world -

My parents helped us put up a new gate so we no longer have to park one car on the street, which can be a serious pain when there is street sweeping two days a week.

My dad, Rommel, and the dogs were so exhausted from the gate and other projects that they crashed in front of the TV for a full day of football.

We grilled out a lot and it was soooooo good. My mom also tried to make our garden look decent since I have not spent any time working on it this summer. We found a wonderful nursery not far from our house and I literally could have spent hours there. We ended up leaving with some mums and zinnias which are gorgeous.

I had to get a picture of my parents and Rommel posing in front of the new gate!

Then there was Halloween, which is probably my favorite holiday. I made over a hundred chocolate covered oreos for work. They were quite heavy on chocolate, but no one fell into a sugar coma. I also made meatballs, but I did not think anyone would want to see a picture of those. They did win second place though.

My mom made this adorable mouse for me. She is so incredibly talented! I told her that she really needs to make some dressed as Santa too.

Finally, a picture of me dressed as Lucille Ball.

I do have some news on the RA front, including finding a new doctor, but I will write about that another time.

Burned Out

2010-10-15T14:59:00.000-07:00

I had a really bad two weeks after taking my first, and last, dose of MTX. Then my husband and I had an amazing week off which we spent working on the house with my parents. I have spent the last week missing my parents, but feeling pretty energetic. Then today the temperature dropped and my hands and feet have rebelled against me.

I was feeling so good for a while there and then wham, my body lets me know that I should not get too comfortable. So I am a little tired and a little depressed, but mostly just burned out. I have not felt like reading my favorite blogs, let alone writing my own.

So for now I am going to curl up in the comfy footy pajamas my husband got me and hide for a while.

You know you have moved up in the world

2010-09-23T16:42:00.001-07:00

when you find yourself owning one of these beautiful pieces of work.

Yes every box is full, but that includes supplements which I will take separately from my prescriptions so they do not interfere with them. Now I just need to remember to take everything throughout the day. I had a hard enough time remembering to take my plaquenil in the evening.

And just for fun - a picture of Zooey. She was obviously very overwhelmed with watching me fill up my new pill box. Not even six months old and my sarcastic nature has already rubbed off on her.

Preparations

2010-09-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling so miserable that I moved my rheumy appointment up a month. I will write about how the actual appointment went in another post, but I ended up leaving the office with a prescription for methotrexate.

I knew methotrexate would be the next step if plaquenil was not doing the job, but I was not really prepared to walk out with the prescription. It's a serious drug and quite a bit of what I have read about methotrexate is truly scary stuff. The phamplet the doctor gave did little to settle my nerves either, especially when it began with "used to treat cancer" and "forced abortion for ectopic pregnancies."

Instead of going online and reading all the drug descriptions and side effects, the first thing I did was log onto RA Chicks. I figured that reading women's first hand experiences with methotrexate would be the best place to start. The number one thing I took away from the forums was that taking it is a question of whether the benefits outweigh the side effects.

Then I went to Rheumatoid Arthritis Warrior, which has a large section specifically on methotrexate. It was probably the best resource I have found to prepare me for taking methotrexate and definitely helped to calm me down.

After all my reading, I decided the best way to approach taking methotrexate is preparation. Obviously I cannot control how I will react to the drug, although they say those who expect the worst side effects are more likely to suffer from them, but I can try to make things as comfortable and easy as possible for myself.

So this is what I have done or am going to do before my first dose (a lot of these came from RA Warrior):

Prescription for folic acid to take daily
I got my first flu shot.
Omeprazole magnesium (generic Prilosec) in case of heartburn, etc.
Pink bismuth tablets (generic Pepto-Bismol) in case of nausea.
Peppermint candy in case of metallic taste and nausea.
Crackers and other comforting foods for an upset stomach.
Cleaning - I have been trying to get on top of my cleaning so that I do not have to worry about it as much next week if I do not feel well. Swiffer and disinfectant wipes have become my new best friends.
I have also been getting a little crazy about preventing infections, which I have read is important to do when on methotrexate. I loaded up on antibacterial hand gel and even bought one of those touchless soap dispensers.

I am going to take my first dose on Saturday evening. I know that sounds like a bummer of a weekend, but it will work out best for me. I will take it before I go to bed because they say you can sleep through the worst of the side effects and it will be far enough away from the time I take my other medications that they will not interact. Then I have Sunday off, so I can lounge in bed all day if I feel like it. I will also have my very own nurse, otherwise known as my husband.

I realize that my plans probably sound a little much, but since I started making them my anxiety level has gone down a little. And if I do happen to have a bad day on Sunday, then I will have everything I will need to take care of myself.

30 Things You May Not Know About My Invisible Illness

2010-09-14T10:03:00.001-07:00

I found out about Invisible Illness Week, which happens to be this week, on Nessie's blog lipstick, perfume, and too many pills. After reading some of the articles and watching a couple of videos, I knew I wanted to participate.

The first way I decided to participate was to fill out "30 things you may not know about my invisible illness."

1. The illness I live with is: Rheumatoid Arthritis
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2010
3. But I had symptoms since: 2009
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: realizing that I will have to physically pay for anything I do. If I do too much around the house, I might be exhausted for the next couple of days. If I work in the garden, I will be in pain for hours or days.
5. Most people assume: I'm complaining and it can't be that bad.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: still being exhausted after a full night's sleep
7. My favorite medical TV show is: House
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: laptop - blogs are a big part of letting me know I am not alone in this
9. The hardest part about nights are: trying to fall asleep when I am uncomfortable due to pain
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) 11
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: am completely open and looking, but I have realized that I must also embrace conventional treatments to prevent joint/bone problems in the future
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I honestly don't know.
13. Regarding working and career: I love the people I work with and being busy. There is also the fact that I would probably be sitting on my ass, bored out of my mind at home if I did not have to get up each day. But sometimes it is just so exhausting and people do not know how difficult it is to get through a full day of work.
14. People would be surprised to know: quite a bit of the time I am trying really hard not to cry because of the pain or malaise
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: more limitations - I already limit myself a lot because of my anxiety and now it feels like there are just that many more things that are off limits
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: keep going - I know that millions of people keep going on with life each day despite their illness, but I was so overwhelmed at first I did not think I would end up being one of them.
17. The commercials about my illness: only show elderly women even though it is commonly women between 25 and 50 that develop RA
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: long walks with my husband, walking the dogs any time I wanted, taking on big projects at home
19. It was really hard to have to give up: taking on big DIY projects at home
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: I have always been a reader, but I have been going through books like crazy lately.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: go on a long hike with my husband and the pups
22. My illness has taught me: I can't control everything and I need to stop trying so hard to be control all the time.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: My (fill in with random body part) hurts sometimes. I think I have that too!
24. But I love it when people: tell me I have a great attitude.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Smile, breathe, and go slowly - Thich Nhat Hanh
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Don't believe everything people write or say about RA. When there is not a cure to an illness, people can basically say whatever they want.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: It has not been that long since my diagnosis, but I feel a push to do whatever I can to get healthy. It may not always be my number one priority, but it is more of one than ever before. Believe me, I never would have braved a swimsuit and got in the pool with a bunch of seventy year old women for an aquatics class before.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: My husband becomes my nurse.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: awareness and understanding is always a good thing
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: like I might have made a small difference

Los Angeles Zoo

2010-09-12T18:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a difficult day pain-wise, but the weather was so nice this morning that Rommel and I decided to go to the Los Angeles Zoo for a good walk. To be completely honest I have always been conflicted about zoos, but once I begin wondering around from exhibit to exhibit, I become enthralled just like all the children do. It began to get warm and I started to feel a little weak, so we only spent about sixty minutes there, but it was good exercise.

Here are some of the pictures I took -

I also took a video of the howler monkeys who were very, very vocal this morning.

Aquatics - calling my name or not?

2010-09-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

Last week I was browsing Southern California's Arthritis Foundation's website and their Quality of Life Programs. It just so happens that the local YMCA has an aquatics class for arthritis. I called to ask about it and the person in the aquatics department could not give me any information besides the class time and that I would have to be a member to take it. Luckily they offer a free seven day pass, which means I could try it out before committing to a membership of fifty dollars a month and a registration fee.

But before trying the class I would have to undertake one of the most difficult tasks a woman ever has to face - buying a swimsuit. Even worse, swimsuit season is basically over so there is almost nothing available in stores. I found a tank and short set on the clearance rack at Target, which would be good enough to at least try the class.

There were two different classes, one at noon on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and the other at two on Tuesday and Thursday. Because of work, Thursday was pretty much my only option.

So on Thursday I went to the YMCA. I put on my swimsuit, sucked in my stomach, and walked out to the pool. I was there pretty early, so the lifeguard told me I could get in and swim until the others got there. The pool was a wonderful eighty-five degrees and I floated around for the next twenty minutes. Slowly the pool filled with older women that obviously knew each other. Eventually someone asked if I meant to be at that class and I had to explain the RA. The class was mostly stretching which felt good, but I began to get really cold and my hands and feet ached very badly. I still thought it was worth it though and decided I would try it again.

It turned out that I only had to work a half day on Friday, so I packed my gym bag and decided that I would go to the noon class. By the time I was ready to leave work, I had pretty much talked myself out of going, which I am notorious for. But I also knew that this was the perfect opportunity to go because I could come home and relax afterward the class, knowing that I did something good for my body. This time there were quite a few more people and a different instructor, who once again asked if I was in the right place. This class was much more involved and even though it was not really intense, I felt like I got more from it. Again my hands began to ache again because of the cool water and having to grip the side of the pool for some of the exercises hurt. I was also a little disappointed that I was not able to converse with anyone at this particular class because only the instructor spoke English to me, which definitely made me feel out of place.

I am interested in continuing the class, but my work schedule is the first problem. It would have to be altered if I want to take that particular class because my lunch is sixty minutes long and so is the class. There is no way I could drive there, take the class, shower, and drive back in less than ninety minutes. My boss has already let me switch one of my days off, so I am hesitant to ask for more. Plus I really do not like scheduling things over my lunch hour because it is that much more exhausting and sometimes I really need that time to rest.

But I did find out that they have a low impact aquatics class in the evening. It is not the arthritis class, but there would be other benefits to the class. I might meet some people closer to my age group for one. I enjoyed the older women I met and they definitely appreciated that I was able to explain who the Situation was, but it would be cool make some friends. I also would not have to rush at work, etc. I would have a couple of hours after work to even take a nap if I want to.

My other worry is how I felt after the classes. My hands ached quite a bit after the first class and even worse after the second. We went out Friday evening and between the extreme heat and a general bad feeling, we ended up going home after an hour. I felt even worse on Saturday. My right was swelling and I was in pain throughout work. We tried to go out that evening, but once again I felt weak and nauseous. Same thing Sunday and I left work early today.

It may be a coincidence that this awful period falls right after taking some swimming classes, but it does worry me. I may complain a lot but I have not felt this bad in a long time. Pain is one thing, but feeling weak, nauseous, and dizzy is too much. Especially when I feel fine one moment and awful the next. I told Rommel that I will probably make an appointment to see the rheumatologist in the next couple of weeks instead of waiting until October. I keep saying that I would rather stay on the plaquenil feeling the way I do instead of trying something else that might not work and deal with new side effects, but I might be willing to take that gamble now.

So the aquatic classes are on the top of my list, but will have to wait for awhile. Instead Rommel and I are going to try to walk more, etc., to get some exercise.

Seriously?

2010-09-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

Who steals a Buddha statue from someones yard? I mean, come on. Rommel says that I should not be too upset because the moron that took it will be dealing with bad karma, but I am still pissed. At least it was a crazy heavy statue that would take at least two people to move.

The whole thing is so ridiculous I almost have to laugh about it. Maybe one of them dropped it on their foot as they shuffled down the street, now that would be funny.

I actually have a lot to write about, such as the Arthritis Foundation Aquatic Program, but I think it can wait until tomorrow.

Graces for Day 15

2010-08-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

I had lunch with a good friend.
When I got home from work, I managed to push myself enough to grab the pups' leashes and take them for a long walk.
I still had energy after the walk! Normally it takes everything I got to just get through work, so it was nice to have the energy to do more once I was home.
I printed up a bunch of pictures of the house and the animals and wrote explanations on the back of everyone. Then I wrote cards to my Grandpa in Nevada, my Great Uncle in Ohio, and my five-year-old twin nephews in Washington and included the pictures. This way they have a better idea of our life in California. I really do hope that I continue to do this; it's fun knowing they will flip through the pics every know and then.
I also got some bad news today. My 90-year-old Grandpa was admitted to the hospital to the hospital on Saturday after a fall. But it is also kind of a good thing because he would not admit that he has not been feeling well, even to the doctor, but it was obvious to his wife that he has not been okay. So hopefully he will get some rest and they will have a chance to really find out what is going on.

Movement & Graces

2010-08-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

I was having a pretty hard day yesterday with my hands, legs, and feet in pain. Of course I have no idea why the pain was worse, you never do with RA, but the office was freezing at work and that added to it. I had my gloves on and doubled my socks to make myself as comfortable as possible.

I was dying to crawl into bed when I got home from work, but I pushed my husband to get out of the house instead. We went to a local mall to walk around for a while and then walked to Trader Joe's to get dinner. By the end of the evening I was more achy and having problems with the stairs, but feeling good about all the exercise. I know movement will help the RA and losing weight would be fabulous.

My graces -

Day 12 -

I was at Starbucks this morning standing next to a couple with their five year old son. They were speaking in another language, but were rather loud so they were hard to ignore. Their son walked up between them and said "both of you stop complaining." He turned to his dad and said "stop listening to her." He turned to his mom and said "stop listening to him." They were both quiet from that point on and I couldn't help but laugh.
I was able to get quite a bit accomplished at work.
My husband came home early from work.
We went on a long walk around the local outdoor shopping center.
I crawled into bed early with a new book.

Day 13 -

Finding A Brief Guide to Life from Zen Habits in my inbox this morning. It's really a must read post.
Leaving work to find that it is only 85 outside and not 110 like it has been all week.
Going on an incredibly long walk with my husband.
A blizzard from Dairy Queen to reward myself for that walk. I grew up with Dairy Queen and they are not that common where I am now. Luckily there happened to be one at the mall we were walking in!
Falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Day 14 -

Sleeping in.
A book and a Starbucks green iced tea - a wonderful combination.
I wasn't able to get a hold of my sister today and wish her happy birthday, but at least I know that she was really happy with her gift (a very expensive shower curtain that she wanted for her new place - she's my little sister and I always cave).
Grooming Simba - It's amazing how much hair was on the floor and it doesn't even look like I made a dent.
A warm bath to sooth an achy body.

A good day & catching up with my graces ...

2010-08-26T21:47:00.000-07:00

I have been absolutely wiped out after work the last three days, especially since my pain levels have been up, so I decided that today would be all about me. I had a massage, which helps with my anxiety and back pain. I have also been told that it helps release the toxins from your muscles.

I came home, grabbed a book, and got comfortable for most of the afternoon. I know I fell asleep at some point in there.

Rommel came home from work and we went on a short walk. I felt like I needed to get a little something done, so I cleaned the fish tank before I sat down to watch Project Runway.

It was a pretty good day and I feel ready to take on work tomorrow.

My graces -

Day 7 -

I had the energy to straighten up our bedroom and put away the piles of laundry.
A little shopping at Old Navy - I am all about clearance!
My husband was willing to help me groom Sunny.
I was able to take a nap cuddled under a blanket with the A/C running when it was 110 degrees outside.
Watching America's Funniest Videos - so freaking funny & laughter is always good for healing.

Day 8 -

Sneaking a peek at the Halloween inventory at work. It's definitely my favorite holiday to decorate for and I can guarantee the my house will be all decked out by October 2.
This is so awful, but I can't remember my Monday! I have went over and over it, but all I can think is that I went to work, came home, and went to sleep. I know there is so much more in between there, but I am totally drawing a blank.

Day 9 -

Coming home at lunch and hanging out with our two dogs and kitten. They were doing so well together until Zooey dive boomed the birdcage several times and had to be taken out of the room.
I finally finished the shadow box for part of my dunny collection.
Spending some quiet time outside while watering the trees.
I had my review at work and it went really well. I was definitely worried because everything has been harder since my RA diagnosis. The brain fog makes me feel scattered, the fatigue makes me work slower, and then there is the leaving early. But I have really been trying to kick things up a notch lately and I think they definitely noticed.
Settling in for a movie with my husband.

Day 10 -

The feral cats greeting me this morning for their breakfast.
I managed to clear off a large portion of my desk at work.
Having the drive to file the huge stack of invoices I let build up. I cannot express how much I dislike filing! I had an office job in college and the main duty was to file, file, file. Every semester we had to clean out the file cabinets, weed out the students that graduated, and refile everything. I would have nightmares about endless piles of paper that had to be filed.
An evening walk with Rommel.
I was watching LA Ink and I got an idea for a tattoo that I am pretty excited about.

Day 11 -

Sleeping in on my day off!
A massage - I will totally admit that I still feel guilty about spending the money on massages, but my anxiety causes my neck and back to get so tense that it causes major pain.
Plenty of time to read.
Getting the fish tank clean.
Walking outside this evening and feeling a cool breeze. It has been over 100 degrees all week and maybe it is finally going to break.

Trying to make work work for me ...

2010-08-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

Although I am trying not to be negative, I can't avoid the fact that I will always be experiencing some level of pain in my hands. It's one thing to not be able to use my hands as much at home. I can avoid doing some things if I need to or at least put them off. I also have a fabulous husband who helps me in every possible way he can.

Work is a completely different story. I can't afford to miss work nor do I want to put my coworkers in that position, especially if I am still able to basically function. But when the most important aspects of my job involve counting money, typing, and writing and my hands are in pain, work can be uncomfortable to say the least.

So I took some pictures to show you how I have tried to make myself more comfortable.

First, I wore my compression gloves. I also have regular fingerless gloves to keep my hands warm because the air conditioning causes my joints to hurt even more. And they are just so stylish, who wouldn't want to wear these?

Second, I had to make my pen easier to use. I have honestly looked everywhere for something to place on my pen and make it easier to grasp, but could not find anything I liked. The only option that was even worth trying was this Y-shaped pen and it was not very comfortable to use. So I ended up wrapping my pen with medical gauze so I did not have to grasp it so tightly, which I wrote about the other day.

Third, the electric stapler, which is probably one of the best inventions known to man. We got these at work a couple of years ago for larger stacks of paper, but I now use it for everything when my hands hurt. I should honestly just retire my regular stapler because I feel like I am cheating on it with the younger, prettier version.

My physical therapist also recommended a headset for the phone, but after only a few calls, I ended up shoving it back in the box and pushing it far, far under my desk to be forgotten about.

It is a start, but I also plan to do some research on the Americans with Disabilities Act, etc. If I find anything good, I will be sure to post it here.

Hand Pain ...

2010-08-21T22:11:00.000-07:00

My hands are still in quite a bit of pain, so I will make this short.

I made it through work even though I desperately wanted to leave. I found myself trying to make as many adjustments as I possibly could to make my hands more comfortable. I wore compression gloves for most of the day, which help a little bit. The pressure seems to calm down the throbbing. Even though the office was extremely warm, I had to move any fans so they were not directly on me because the cold air hurt when it hit my hands. I wrapped my pen with medical gauze from the first aid cabinet so I did not have to grip it so tightly.

And those things help, but what if the pain in my hands gets any worse? My job involves counting money, typing, and writing.

Enough negative thoughts. I will just have to deal with that situation when I come to it.

My graces -

Day 5

A coworker going out of her way to help me fix a problem.
Taking time to brush Simba, especially since he has been spending the cool evenings lying in his favorite patch of dirt in the backyard.
Having a free evening to rest my feet, which were in a lot of pain.
Having that free evening all to myself, but happy when my husband did come home later in the evening after a work event.
Slipping into fresh sheets at the end of a very hard day.

Day 6

Having the strength to make it through a whole day of work even though my hands were in serious pain and I desperately wanted to walk out.
My husband making me grilled cheese when I came home from work for lunch.
Browsing the bookstore for the next book to read.
Watching Zooey the kitten try to catch a fly for at least twenty minutes. It's funny how many things are still new to her.
Seeing a friend that I have not talked to in quite a while.

I feel like I need to apologize that my graces are not that inspired, but it has been a very hard couple of days to fine bright spots in. My RA is taking it's toll on me and my hands and feet have been in a lot of pain. I should be grateful that I am still able to function, but after feeling pain all day I honestly want to collapse.

Today ...

2010-08-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

Today has not been such a good day. Work was just overwhelming and for some strange reason I felt like I was going to cry all morning. If anyone had said the wrong thing, I might have just broke down.

I have also gotten by wearing some cushy Nike sandals lately, but for some reason decided to wear a pair of tennis shoes today. I have never had a problem with them before, but as the day went on my feet hurt more and more. My hands weren't doing so well either.

I took my shoes off after work and found a really crazy bruise on the bottom of one of my feet, which may have added to the pain. I am not sure how I got it, but I would bet money that it is from stepping on a dog treat in the middle of the night. It tends to happen quite a bit.

I have a fever too.

But I guess I should be grateful that I had a few goods days before today.

To quote John Lennon ...

2010-08-19T21:57:00.000-07:00

"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."

I decided to spend some of my day off hanging out at a local bookstore. I love getting an iced tea, finding an overstuffed chair, and spending way too long reading. I guess I just love reading, people watching, and being surrounded by thousands of books.

Anyway, I decided to browse the pet section for some books on dog grooming because we have been trying to take care of it ourselves instead of spending the money on a groomer. As I flipped through one of the books, I couldn't help but start coming up with plans of daily grooming and dogs that never have a mat or flea (yeah right).

Then I began thinking about old me; the me that used to have so many "to do's". A year ago I was working in the garden, doing all the handiwork around the house, and had other projects on the side. Plus there were always more things that I wanted to do, but never managed to finish.

Looking back, I cannot believe that I used think I was never doing enough. If I had the energy or ability to do most of those things today, I would be over the moon.

Now that Rheumatoid Arthritis has waltzed into my life, most plans have been thrown out the window. Some days it just seems easier not to think about all the things I want to get done then to come up with a list and then be disappointed when I don't get something done. And the days I do find that I have energy, I almost always overdo it and take on as much as I can. Then I end up suffering the consequences for days afterwards.

So I am thinking of creating a new "to do" list; a list with one line for each day. If I can accomplish one thing each day, I would be really happy. Of course if I am dealing with a lot of pain or something, I will try not to give myself a hard time for not crossing that item off. Maybe I will add a second line for my days off, but maybe not. I want to enjoy those days too!

But one thing that I cannot compromise on no matter how much my husband may disagree - I cannot pay a handyman for something I know I can do myself.

My graces -

Day 3

Having a peanut carmel apple for lunch!
Finishing a large data entry project at work and knowing I can stop staring at the computer for today at least.
Taking a walk with my husband in the warm evening and getting an iced tea at Starbucks.
Seeing my husband's face light up when he finds a shirt for five bucks at TJ Maxx. He is all about a deal!
Finishing Sex Lives of Cannibals (totally not the book you might think it is) and picking out my next book from the pile on my night stand.

Day 4

Sleeping in until 10 am on my day off. I honestly could have stayed in bed longer, but the dogs wanted to go out.
Finding a comfy chair at the bookstore and settling in for a reading session.
Watching my canary take a bath. It always makes me laugh to watch him splash around in the water.
Catching part of America's Funniest Home Videos. It's such a guilty pleasure and always ends with my abs in pain from laughing.
Watching Zooey, our kitten, try desperately not to fall asleep an majorly failing as I type this.

You have probably realized that a lot of my graces will probably involve my babies. My husband and I basically live in a zoo with two dogs, a kitten, a canary, and several fish. We also take care of several feral cats, probably every bird in the neighborhood, and any other animal that may need our help (although my husband does not always agree with me on the last part). They are a huge part of our lives and I am definitely a lucky mama to have them around me.

Drugs Are Scary...

2010-08-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

It's bad enough that we have to take a multitude of drugs to try and live a semi-normal life. It's bad enough that those drugs are hard to swallow or inject. It's bad enough that those drugs have nasty side effects. But do they really have to look so frightening too?

I made my weekly trip to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions and the pharmacist told me that they now made a generic version of one of my meds. Saving money is always appreciated, so I decided to go with the generic. I get home and find that the generic version is a neon orange horse pill that looks like it is radioactive or something.

Can't they make them look all pretty or put inspiring words on the pills? Something to make it a little easier when I open that pill box every morning and evening?

Grace in the Small Things - Day 2

This is actually pretty big thing - having insurance to cover all the prescriptions I need to live a semi-normal life.
Air Conditioning! It was at least 100 today, so the dogs and I hung out in front of the portable air conditioner when I got home from work.
Watching a movie with the hubby.
That my body felt pretty normal and only my fingers were achy.
Having the energy to clean some stuff off the bedroom floor. No more tripping!

Grace in the Small Things - Day 1

2010-08-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

It's funny how things come together sometimes. A couple of weeks ago I was feeling pretty depressed since it was the sixth month anniversary of being diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I knew that I needed an attitude adjustment and decided on three rules to start changing things around. The first rule was to write down at least three things that I am grateful for or brighten my life every day. Next thing I know I discovered a blog and the author kept listing her graces (I so want to give her credit, but the blog is bookmarked on my work computer, not on my home one). I was curious, so I dug a little deeper and found Grace in the Small Things. Everything just fit!

So here are my five things -

Leaving work for lunch with a good friend. It is so nice to just walk away for an hour and talk about other things, no matter how irrelevant they are.
Hearing the dogs run to the front door to greet me. They are so excited that I have to smile and spend more than a few minutes telling them about my day.
Not having to cook dinner! My mother-in-law had a bunch of leftovers from an event the day before and my husband was all over it.
Reading a good book outside in the shade while watering the trees.
Being able to have the kitten in the same room with Simba, our larger dog, for at least a few minutes before he wanted to have her for dinner.

Update - The blog where I discovered Grace in the Small Things is called Tales of Rachel. And I also forgot to mention that this is a challenge to list 5 things everyday for 365 days. Only 364 to go!

More Weight ... the Whole Story

2010-08-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

Before Rommel and I got married we had to decide where we would be living when I moved to California. He had bought a house with two friends and that situation was not really ideal for a newly married couple. It was also a little disconcerting that what I had originally thought were fireworks being set off in the neighborhood were actually guns.

It just so happened that his brother was still living with his mother, but was getting married about six months after us. We decided that Rommel would move back in with his mother, once we got married I would move in, and then his brother would transition out. That way his mother would never be left living alone in the house, which because she is older and has some health problems, none of us wanted.

I will be the first to admit that the first couple of years were extremely tough. I do not fit the "housewife" mold, which his mother believed every woman should fit. I am not Catholic and do not attend a church, while his mother attends mass seven days a week plus other church functions. I love my animals as if they are my children and she thought the dog should stay outside.

Luckily things change and after all this time, I am really comfortable sharing the house with her. We are not best friends or anything and we still clash quite a bit, but I can understand where she is coming from. But just because we are doing better does not mean Rommel's relationship with her is any easier. They just have things that they get on each other about and they are both incredibly stubborn. Plus they cannot communicate worth a damn when they get angry with each other.

I think that pretty much brings us up to date.

So Saturday, I was in the middle of an insane day at work with people showing up late or not showing up at all when Rommel calls and tells me we need to move out. I could tell he was upset and I was not able to calm him down over the phone, so I left for an early lunch. It turns out that his mother gave him one of her religion lectures, which always sets him off. To sum it up, she basically tells him that he is going to hell because he is not attending mass and she is worried about him (God only knows what she thinks about the future of my soul).

He told me that he just could not live with her anymore and he was tired of me telling him that things would blow over (been there before). I went into damage control mode, but he was not having it. All he would talk about was looking at houses, which scared the shit of me because we have not financially prepared for something big like a house. I convinced him that we would go to the bank to discuss the process. The biggest thing was to get him to slow down and breathe.

After waiting quite a while at the bank, I had to get back to work. Once I had a moment to breathe, my anxiety took root and I was completely exhausted by the time I left work. Luckily Rommel had thought about the situation and even though he was not knocking the door down to get out anymore, he explained that he did still want to find a home at some point. We finally agreed to start saving and put aside enough money each month to cover what a mortgage payment would be. This way we can save, feel what it is like to put aside a large portion of our income, and I can do my research on first time home buying.

But I am conflicted. I love the idea of "our" own home and having everything the way I want it instead of compromising everything. I also do not want to leave his mother. She is about to turn seventy and has never lived on her own. I would feel so awful if something happened to her and we were not there for her.

I guess this is what it feels like to be an adult!

On the RA front, I am hanging in there (like there is another choice). There has been pain, but it has been bearable. The hard part is that I keep having these spells. I feel pretty decent one moment and the next I feel feverish, nauseous, and completely exhausted. The best thing I have found to do is lay down for awhile. I wake up with a headache and am still a little tired, but I do feel better. The worst was when we were at the mall on Sunday, just trying to enjoy some time out, and all of a sudden I felt so sick that we had to leave. I slept for two hours once we got home, woke up when a migraine, and finally felt a little better after eating something.

It seems like my health likes throwing me for a loop. Just when I feel like I might have some idea of how things will be, something new pops up. And just like so many other people have blogged about, it is even worse when people do not really think you are sick because you do not outwardly look sick and you are still showing up for work, etc.

My three things:

Waking up before the alarm goes off and feeling rested enough to want to get out of bed.
Simba getting along with Zooey the kitten for a whole three minutes before trying to eat her.
Taking the pups for a walk with Rommel. The weather was wonderful and the evening was just cool enough that Simba did not tired out before we got back home.

The Crucible

2010-08-07T16:08:00.000-07:00

About five years ago, a very good friend of mine was diagnosed with leukemia. The doctor told her girlfriend that the odds of her survival were extremely slim. But a lot of treatments and a bone marrow transplant, she is still with us. She continues to take a lot of medication, etc, but she is happy.

I was talking to her the other day about the RA and all the other things I have been dealing with lately. She told me that when she was sick, she could not help but think about the book The Crucible. She said she pictured herself as the character that was being crushed by stones in an attempt to get him to confess to practicing witchcraft. Instead he keeps saying, "more weight, more weight." She said that was what it was like for her when she was battling her illness; she kept saying, "What else do you got? I can take more."

I would like to think that I am strong too, but right now all I can think is "I confess! No more weight!"

To be continued later...

Work, Work, Work

2010-08-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today was a seriously insane day at work partly because several people were out of the store. It seemed like every thirty seconds someone needed something from me. I wouldn't normally mind too much (okay, maybe I would be a little irritated), but I have a huge amount of work piling up and it needs to be done before the weekend is over. I was not able to accomplish anything other than stressing myself out.

I tried to bring some paperwork home, but found that I really needed a program on my computer at work to complete it. Maybe I will be able to shut off the phone and cover the window on the door.

I would keep my fingers crossed for tomorrow, unfortunately I can't cross my fingers right now. They have been achy all day and after not being able to work at home, I decided to continue on a baby blanket I have been crocheting. I think I pushed it too far because now I have swollen, throbbing fingers that I am trying to hold as still as possible when I am not doing anything else.

My three things for today:

Spending some time sitting in the sun with Zooey the kitten. She is still really scared of anything new, but for some reason she always looks like she wants to attack every car that goes by. And don't worry, she is always on a harness outside. I am a responsible mom.
Compression gloves - a little relief for my sausage fingers.
Calling an old coworker who I haven't talked to in quite a while. I found out she hasn't smoked in three weeks. Considering that she has smoked since she was thirteen and she just turned seventy, that's major. I am so proud of her!

Three Things

2010-08-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

My three things I am grateful for today are:

A great new haircut.
Seeing Zooey, our three month old kitten, discover our fish tank. The way she was standing on her hind legs to get a better look, she looked like an adorable mirror cat. But when Battle Tank, the goldfish, swam towards her, she totally freaked out.
A post on Rheumatoid Arthritis Warrior called 10 Essential Facts About Rheumatoid Arthritis No Doctor Ever Told Me. I ended up following a link on protecting your joints, especially finger joints, and found some great information. I now have some ideas of things I can do to relieve some of the stress on my fingers so they are less likely to bend outward towards my pinkies, which is a common deformity. For example, it suggests that you try to avoid doing too many things that push your fingers outward, such as opening jar lids. Even though I am still able to open most jar lids with some effort, I will make sure to ask my husband to help now when he's around because I know it will help in the long run.

So even after quite a few trip ups at work, like losing power to the security system and the credit card processor going down, it was a pretty good day.

Update on the RA

2010-08-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment with my rheumatologist a couple of weeks ago to celebrate the six month anniversary of my diagnosis. Here's how the party went down:

I scheduled the first appointment of the day because the longer I have to wait in the office, the more anxious I get. Despite the fact that I am early, the office is half full and two people are called in before me.
After being called into an exam room, I end up waiting thirty minutes. My anxiety level was already higher than normal, but this time there were special circumstances that made it even worse. This appointment was approximately two weeks before I was supposed to go in and find out about the lump in my breast, so I was still rather freaked out about the whole thing. Positioned on the wall right in front of the exam table was a huge poster displaying all the different types of lumps that can develop in one's breasts. Yeah, it was rather hard to avoid looking at it.
After thirty minutes, I begin to panic and start walking out of the room only to bump into the physician's assistant, who I end up seeing instead of the doctor.
My pain levels have been quite a bit worse and I have already been on plaquenil for six months with no huge improvement, so I was all ready to discuss new treatment options. Instead they want me to give it three more months because my blood tests are still improving (this did not sound right to me so I made a mental note to check my lab results later).
I explained my insane fatigue and muscle aches. She says, "Yeah, that's part of Rheumatoid Arthritis," and offers no advice.
I asked about supplements and she names a few, but then tells me that I want to be careful not to take too many.
All I wanted to do when I g0t home was crawl back into bed, but I kept thinking about how she said my blood tests were improving. How could they be improving, but I feel so much worse. I gathered up all the copies of my tests results since a few months before my diagnosis and put them in chronological order. After reading through them, I find that my tests have improved a little since the very first blood test, but are actually worse than the others since then.

So that was my six month appointment. It did not go as well as I was hoping it would, but it was not completely their fault. Obviously my anxiety was somewhat of an issue, but it almost always is. I also should have questioned her more than I did, but it's hard not to get into that "yes, doctor" mode and except everything they say as fact.

I am going to wait the three months, but I am going to request that I actually see the doctor this time. My primary keeps telling me how great he is so I would like to give him a chance before I look for another rheumatologist.

Enough bitching! Here are the things I have been grateful for and/or have brightened my day lately:

We watched an episode of the Fantasy Factory the other day where Rob entered a grilled cheese contest and makes the most expensive grilled cheese sandwich ever. It inspired my husband to want to make gourmet grilled cheese. It was cute to see him debating about which type of cheese and bread he should try. I also enjoyed eating the results.
We met our friends for breakfast at the farmer's market. We had a great time and I was able to hold their two month old almost the whole time. She is absolutely precious!
I am very grateful that my friend's mom did not strangle the waitress who accidentally spilled a huge glass of cold orange juice over her shoulder and down the front of her white shirt and pants at that very same breakfast. But she did get free breakfast and a nice polo with the restaurant's name on it.
Project Runway - It inspires me!
An amazing, but sad book called The Book Thief. I just finished it and am so glad I read it.
Getting to pick out a new book to start reading from the piles I have in my bedroom.
Looking out the window to see all three feral cats lounging on the front porch bench waiting for their breakfast to be served. I made sure they did not have to wait too long.

New Rules

2010-07-28T19:29:00.000-07:00

Everyone I know could probably tell that I have been pretty depressed lately and if they know me really well they probably think it is due to the trials and tribulations of rheumatoid arthritis. But there is honestly a lot more to it than an illness.

I have always been a girl who likes things done well. For example, I am the one who shows up early and spends the whole time trying to make everyone happy.

But over the last two months I feel like I have deteriorated into a complete and utter mess. My home is a mess, my work is a mess, and my body is a mess. I don't even recognize myself anymore. Who is this person who can't get out of bed in the morning and would rather sleep than be out in the world? Who is this person that has become undependable and gets in trouble at work? Who is this old woman with achy joints that can't concentrate on anything?

The only time I have felt anything near content or even normal over the last few months is when I am curled up in bed with the pups and a book or spending time with Rommel.

Since my reality check at work, I have been thinking about how much I need an attitude adjustment or something along those lines.

And today is the perfect day to start changing things because this morning I was told that the lump in my breast is nothing to be worried about.

I recently read an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert. They asked her what she does to stay healthy and she said that she has ten rules that she lives by, such as not eating too much. What struck me was how simple and reasonable her rules were. I couldn't help but think that I should do something similar, but maybe start with just a few rules.

This is what I came up with:

Everyday I need to acknowledge three things that I am grateful for and/or brightened my day.
I will try to say hello to people more. (I know that I can seem pretty standoffish or unfriendly sometimes because I am lost in my head.)
If I am physically able to take the dogs for a walk in the evening, I will. If not, I will spend the time lavishing extra attention on my babies, whether it be a good brushing or cuddling.

They may seem trivial to some people, but they are important to me and will hopefully help me keep a more positive attitude.

So here are the things I am grateful for and/or brightened my day today.

My wonderful husband holding my hand at the doctor's while I try not to have a panic attack.
Listening to the piano teacher in the apartments next to our house give lessons. I can't help but smile when I hear the theme song to Super Mario Brothers.
Chocolate ice cream. (It doesn't always need to be deep.)

It's been a good day.

A little something...

2010-07-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

My computer has been down because of a nasty virus, but here is something I found this week that made me laugh.

Being Tested ... Update

2010-06-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

It honestly feels like it has been months since I wrote that original post, but it's barely been two weeks. The first couple of days after my doctor appointment I was pretty much a mess. My anxiety was in complete control of me - constant stomach pains and racing heart beat, fighting off tears, unable to concentrate, unable to do anything really.

But I knew that I had to do something since I will have to wait two months before seeing the doctor again. First thing I did was get a massage since my shoulders and neck were like a rock. I was a little anxious about going because sixty minutes of nothing to do but think can be a bad thing, but I knew I needed it. And I was so glad I did. I just kept deep breathing the whole time. Three breaths in, four breaths out. It worked so, so well. I was completely relaxed the rest of the evening, probably more than I have been after other massages.

The next day I had an appointment with a hypnotherapist to work on the anxiety and getting through this. It's not a magic trick, but it has definitely helped. I decided to schedule three weeks in a row instead of every other week like I did in the past. I actually had my second appointment a couple of days ago and it went even better. I was able to relax enough to go completely under, which is amazing for me. I remember her counting to five, opening my eyes, and worrying about the fact that I was paying for a full session when it had only been ten minutes. When I asked her about it and she showed me the clock, it had actually been almost an hour.

Besides the fact that I have felt more relaxed on a day to day basis, I feel this little spark inside me since starting the hypnotherapy. It's hard to explain. I will tell you this much - Rommel and I went to breakfast at a restaurant this morning with some friends and their parents. We had to sit on the patio, away from the crowd, but I was at a restaurant. A month ago I would not have even said yes to the offer let alone actually sitting down at a table. I also said yes to a laser tag party for our cousin's son's birthday next week. Again, something I would have either just said no to or would have told Rommel to go alone.

We also went through an exercise where I picture all the negative stuff in my body, including the lump, disappearing. She prefers each person to come up with their own image, like one woman pictured chimney sweeps sweeping her leukemia away. I am picturing a dandelion and a wind blowing all the seeds away from me.

Don't get me wrong, it has not been a walk in the park. I still feel like this is a test for me. My anxiety makes me feel so out of control sometimes that I try to control aspects of my life, even unconsciously. The fact that I have to wait two months is something I have no control over and it eats at me. But this is the test that was placed in front of me and I believe that I can get through it gracefully.

As for my RA, I have been up and down. I only had a couple of days were I was in a large amount of pain. The rest of the time my hands were achy during the day and the pain increased in the evening. If I keep my hands moving, they are fine. But the moment they stop, the pain sets in. It gets annoying, but I can deal.

Feeling like me again...

2010-06-23T08:06:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I have felt pretty ancient the last six months. When it takes me five minutes to walk up/down a flight of stairs because of my ankles and knees or I am laying in bed with every joint aching, I can't help but feel 1,000 years old.

So I needed to do something to remind myself that I am only thirty and still a young woman. I wanted to something that I would make me smile everyday and it came to me yesterday morning as I was walking by the drug store.

Over the last several years, I stopped dying my hair crazy colors and slowly got rid of all the piercings. I kind of miss it. I didn't want to put any needles through my body, so I opted for some fuchsia hair dye.

I put in a few pink high lights last night and they came out absolutely perfect! I love them and they definitely make me smile. Kind of makes me feel like Morgan again.

I was just walking to the bank when...

2010-06-18T22:00:00.001-07:00

I heard a meow. And it was not just any meow; it was a kitten meow. It was coming from the parking area of the apartment building across the street from our house and there was no chance I could walk away from the situation.

To make a long story short, after sixty minutes of crawling all over the ground I managed to pull the kitten out of the wheel well of a car.

I was already late for an appointment, but I ran over to my work to buy a crate and some kitten food. I filled a couple of bowls with food and water and left her in an empty office while I went to my appointment. I would rather have taken her straight home, especially since I was completely covered in dirt, but it was important. A coworker told me I looked like I sat down in the parking lot and rolled around for awhile, which was great considering I was wearing one of my favorite dresses.

About a hour later I picked her up and took her to my house to assess her health. Having dealt with feral kittens before, I figured she would need to be taken to the vet due to fleas and malnutrition. I was surprised to find that other than being seriously pissed off and a little dirty, she did not have any fleas or ear mites. She was a little skinny, but who knows how long she was under that car and when she ate last.

The dogs are not too happy about her presence because they have to be removed from the room so that she can come out of the crate. She is eating solid food, so she must be at least two months old, but she is still way too small for me to trust them around her.

She has eaten quite a bit and is looking great now. We have spent some time playing, but she prefers to keep her distance from me. She'll find a small place to hide and just sit there meowing, but then she'll go after a toy.

Rommel keeps asking me what we are going to do with her. I am guessing that she is from a litter that was in somebody's home, so he thinks we should put up signs in the neighborhood. I told him that no one has put up signs looking for a kitten yet and I honestly do not want someone who did not even bother looking for her to get her back. A couple of people have shown interest at work, but I am really picky about who I would give an animal too. I am the kind of person who would have you fill out an application and show me your house before I even consider handing a pet over. Can't help it. I need to know that someone will love an animal as much as I would and give them the best care.

So I think we will have her for a little while. I already named her and Rommel is taking that as a bad sign that I will want to keep her. And I will admit that I am getting attached to Zooey (a girly name with a little attitude). We'll just have to wait and see how the dogs do or if someone great comes along and wants to give her a forever home.

All I know is that I am having fun playing with Zooey for now.

I can't help but think that something out there is testing me.

2010-06-16T10:45:00.000-07:00

I had my yearly appointment with the gynecologist on Monday. I have had so many doctors appointments over the last six months that I was not happy at all to have to add this one to the list, but I knew it was important to go and I needed refills for my birth control.

Knowing that I would be anxious about the appointment, I asked for the very first appointment of the day, which was at 9:00 am. I walk into the office and there are already people waiting, all of which have appointments listed before mine on the sign-in sheet. I tried to breathe and pull out my trustworthy ice pack (the cold calms down my anxiety, but also makes me joints throb). Thirty minutes later I get called in.

Everything goes fine until the breast exam. She finds something, but it is small so she wants me to wait two months and then come back in for another exam. Then I get pushed out the door.

I am kind of in shock when I get home. Almost every female I know has had some kind of cyst or lump that had to be checked out by a mammogram, biopsy, or second appointment and none of them have been anything serious. I also know that the odds are in my favor since I am in my 30's and none of my immediate family has had cancer, only extended family. My mother and husband agree that if the doctor was worried, she would have arranged for a test at that point and not told me to go in two months later. I try to calm down as much as I can, but one can't help but worry a little.

Tuesday morning I wake up with a racing heart and feel like I am going to be sick. I was anxious about the lump and having to wait two months to find anything out. I even called the doctor back and asked if there was anything I could do now, but they told me it was nothing to fret over and two months is what they prefer.

In my head, I know that it is probably nothing and that I will be fine, but my body has been in panic mode for two days and it does not feel like it is going to end any time soon. The morning is the worst. I get waves of nausea and cramps. I get hot flashes and my arms begin to tingle. Even when I feel a tad calmer in between the waves, I cannot concentrate on any of my work. Both yesterday and today were so bad that I had to take something to calm me down. By the time lunch comes around I am so exhausted from the anxiety that I have to take a nap.

If I can distract myself enough, the afternoon is a little better and I might be able to get a little work done. Once I get home, there is no cooking or cleaning. I have to lie down because I am tired again and my back is in pain due to the tension. I spend the rest of the evening reading until Rommel gets home.

You are probably thinking, "This just happened on Monday and she is talking like it has been days of anxiety." The thing is that I know the routine after fourteen years of this. The most recent episode began last August after the company I worked for was bought out and it lasted for six months. Six months of being too anxious to go anywhere other than work. Six months of a sick stomach and back pain. Six months of being too exhausted to do anything around the house.

The big difference this time is that I am also dealing with symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis on top of the anxiety. The more anxious I am, the more joint pain I tend to have. Yesterday was a good example. I was anxious throughout the day and my hands, wrist, and feet began to ache in the late afternoon.

But it did get better last time and I know that it will get better this time too; I just have to wait it out. Although I am trying to be a little more proactive this time. I have an appointment for a massage tonight to deal with my back pain. I made an appointment with a hypnotherapist for Thursday. I saw her when I was originally diagnosed with RA and she helped me get through it without freaking out too much. I am also trying to avoid caffeine and sugar, which exacerbates the anxiety.

If those do not help enough, I might have to see the doctor about adjusting my meds for the time being. Believe me, it is not what I want to do, but I need to be able to work right now.

I just can't help but wonder why me? And I do not mean the lump. Okay, maybe I do mean the lump a little, but mostly I mean the anxiety. I am so tired and this year has been so insane already with the RA, etc. And I know there are people out there that are dealing with so much more than I am right now. I guess I just need my self pity time.

Distractions

2010-06-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

Always looking for ways to divert my attention from the way I am feeling and wanting to remind myself of all the things I have to be grateful for, I decided spend some time taking pictures around the house today.

We found this foreign movie poster from Breakfast at Tiffany's at the farmers market this morning. Rommel worked his magic and talked the vendor down to a decent price so it now has a permenant place on my wall. I purchased the cupcake painting last week at the local art show last week from a booth selling art from the local high school. It's so cute.

I love Charlie Harper's work, but I can't even afford a print. I happened to find a Charlie Harper version of the game Memory and got an idea. After the fourteen dollars for the game and the cost of a couple frames, I had two pieces of Charlie Harper artwork to hang on my wall. I actually like them more than a print because I get to enjoy so many different pieces of his work.

I also took a few pics of our garden. There are already some vegetables popping up. The bell peppers and tomatoes look great and I can't wait until they are ready to pick. Our peach tree is already so heavy with peaches that I am going to have to tie up all the branches so they have some extra support.

Then there is the local "wildlife". It is a little hard to make out because of the dirty window, but this is a picture of our favorite squirrel. He constantly knocks over the bird feeders, buries peanuts in my flower pots, and taunts the dogs, but he still has a little place in my heart.

Zimmerman, named after the host of Bizarre Foods because he likes to eat bugs, has claimed a permenant spot between some plants in the front yard. It not only provides shade from the hot summer sun, but also gives him the perfect view of the bird feeder.

It was pretty easy to distract myself from the fever that stuck with me all day today. The infected spot on my foot, which probably caused the fever, was a little harder to forget. My only guess why it will not go away even though I am diligently taking care of it is my RA medication, which suppresses your immune system. No wonder they tell you to do your best not to get sick or hurt (why wouldn't I any way?). I am so tired of doctors, but I will be heading back there again tomorrow.

But I have so many wonderful things to be grateful for, even the doctor.

Brain Fog Is Kicking My Ass!

2010-06-12T14:58:00.001-07:00

Many people with an autoimmune disease experience cognitive dysfunction, otherwise known as brain fog. It is characterized by confusion, forgetfulness, and the inability to concentrate.

It's not something that I have to deal with all the time. It makes sense that someone would have trouble thinking during a flare; I can't imagine someone being able to think straight during that kind of pain. But I notice that it tends to happen to me in combination with the fever and muscle aches.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like it seriously interferes with my life. It's just damn annoying! There has been the typical forgetfulness, such as forgetting what I was talking about in the middle of a sentence or someone returns my phone call and I cannot remember why I called them in the first place. I also have to work really hard to get myself to concentrate on one task while in the office. The worst is spelling, which I have never had a problem with.

Here are some more lovely examples from the past week:

I completely forgot a friend's birthday, which is really weird for me. The worst part is that when she mentioned it was her birthday on the phone, I did not even try to lie. I just burst out with, "seriously?"
I walked by Rommel's empty prescription bottle every morning this week and said to myself, "I need to call that in." But I never did and I went through the same thing the next morning. It was like my own mini version of Groundhog Day. Rommel finally went to the pharmacy himself this morning.
I spent 15 minutes sitting in front of the computer trying to remember how to spell exercise. I was not even close enough for spell check to pull it up. It's like words just evaporate into thin air when I try to spell them.
I had to look up the three characteristics of brain fog when I started writing this post because I could only remember the first two even though I had just read the definition two minutes beforehand.

I know it's not that bad. I just hate how stupid it makes me feel sometimes. Like when I asked my boss if she was excited to go see some Elvis impersonators this weekend with her nephew. She gave me a strange look and told me that she had gone last weekend.

Art, Movies, and Walking the Dog

2010-06-06T20:23:00.000-07:00

The weekend started off a little iffy, but it is ending pretty darn well. I stayed in bed a little late on Saturday due to nasty cramps (sorry guys, but that's a girl's life for ya) and finally got to work an hour after I should have been there. But I was still feeling awful and ended up leaving early. I headed home, crawled into bed, and fell asleep for a couple of hours.

After some sleep and pain killers, I was feeling somewhat better, so Rommel convinced me to head out to the Montrose Art Show for a preview. I always get so excited about the art show each year and we usually go on Sunday because of my work, but we decided to browse the booths and then go back again on Sunday.

Obviously I was not in my right mind and did not consider the 100 degree weather, so I ended up with this:

And it isn't just any sunburn. Oh no, it's a graphic looking sunburn because my two tank tops and bra left three different lines on each shoulder. I also have a diagonal line across my chest because my shirt was lower on one side than the other.

It was disgustingly hot, but we enjoyed looking at everything and shared some awesome beignets, a deep fried pastry covered with powdered sugar, which were cooked to order.

Today we went back to Montrose for the farmer's market and art show. We made sure we left early because it was supposed to be just as hot as the day before and nibbled on fresh croissants while we walked. I bought an adorable painting that says "I love cupcakes" and is covered in pastel cupcakes. It will be a bright and colorful addition to my bedroom wall. Other than that, it was the usual stuff, but it was still fun.

Rommel went to his friend's place to watch the Lakers' game, so I had the whole afternoon to myself. I turned on a documentary called Herb and Dorothy about a middle class couple that have been collecting art their entire marriage and I began cleaning my bedroom. The movie was so interesting that I ended up sitting on my bed just watching the movie. Then I started another documentary on a monk who was sent on a mission to find a reincarnated Lama. Again, very good.

I also called my grandfather to wish him happy 90th birthday. I wish we could have been there to celebrate with him, but Rommel's work is crazy and I have no vacation. Maybe later this summer we can head to Vegas and visit him.

Rommel ended up coming home early because he did not want to watch the Lakers lose and decided he would rather play a video game, but I still had a lot of energy. I decided to take Simba on a walk and leave Sunny with Rommel since I have a hard time walking them together. Let's just say that I think I found my new personal trainer! Unlike a walk with both the dogs, Simba did not bark at other dogs or stop every few steps. He actually ran about a third of the way and of course I had to do it with him.

Here's a pic of my bubby, Simba, and me after our walk/run and he is clearly exhausted.

I can't forget Sunny though, so here is a pic of the two of them. Please, please, please ignore the overflowing closet in the background.

The funk continues...

2010-06-03T21:49:00.001-07:00

I have continued to be in a kind of funk this week. I tried to keep up with my "if I am going to be achy, I want it to be for a reason" attitude on Tuesday. I lit up the BBQ and filled in up with enough chicken for both our dinner and a week's worth for Sunny and Simba. While the chicken cooked, I began cleaning the laundry/mud room. I was already tired but once I started, I could not stop until it was done. When I finally finished, everything below my knees was throbbing and I had lost my appetite. But that completely exhausted feeling was nice and I slept unbelievably well.

I was definitely feeling all the work I did once I woke up on Wednesday and the pain in my hands only got worst over the day. The one thing getting me through it was the thought of the massage I had scheduled in the evening. By the time I left for the appointment, I could not even use my left hand to turn the steering wheel. It was the worst flare that I have experienced since being diagnosed and every movement or touch caused unbelievable pain. I described it to Rommel like throwing a stone in the water. The initial hit did not cause the pain but the ripples in the water were awful. I ended up wearing a compression glove and a wrist guard just to try minimize the movement, which helped a tiny bit.

I was able to sleep in this morning since it was my day off. It felt like there was nothing ever wrong with my hand in the first place, but I was nauseous and had a fever again. I honestly felt like I could stay in bed the rest of the day and watch TV, but I had to get up to run a couple of errands.

I came home and life decided to throw me a little curve ball to get me going. Apparently there was too much food stuffed in our freezer and the vent was covered up, which meant it began to defrost. Four rolls of cookie dough were included in all that food, so I figured I would pull them out and start baking. I ended up making a couple batches of sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies. Unfortunately this is all I was left with:

The oven was set to 375, but when I smelled something burning and opened the oven, the thermometer read 500. I cooled it down and the next batch baked fine, but then the temperature went back up again and burned the last batch. It didn't work out the best, but at least I was doing something.

I crawled into bed again, but even though I still felt kind of depressed, just lying there was so boring. I considered my options and decided to water the plants in the backyard. Next thing I know I am spending an hour digging into the ground and trying to straighten a tree we planted last summer. I was dirty and sweaty when I finished, but it was a good tired and I felt better than I have all week. It is rather hard to see the tree in this picture, but I was so proud of the work I put in that I had to take one.

I not only still learning to deal with the pain I feel at the present moment, but I am also trying to come to terms with the idea that there will be more flares in the future which can be pretty depressing at times. But like my day today, just because something starts out gloomy does not mean it has to end that way.

It's hard to be in a bad mood when you watch this.

2010-06-01T15:24:00.000-07:00

Check out this great MSN Video: Little girl gives herself a pep talk

Looking for the bright side of life...

2010-05-31T16:07:00.000-07:00

I have been in a pretty bad mood the last couple of days. It started yesterday morning. The bed was just so comfortable and we did not have anything to do until one in the afternoon, so I slept in until noon. I am not sure if it was the fact that took my anxiety meds a few hours later than usual or it was the RA, but I woke up nauseous and with a low fever. Plus my right hand is completely swollen and achier than usual.

We went to lunch with some friends and their completely adorable newborn, which was the bright spot of the day. Between holding Maddy and getting to see Angela, who I am used to seeing at least four days a week at work, I was distracted and happy. For that ninety minutes I almost forgot how bad I felt and how uncomfortable the sudden hot weather was.

Instead of running the errands we had planned on, Rommel ended up taking me straight home and placing a fan directly on me while I crashed on the bed. I tried to read, but ended up just closing my eyes and falling back to sleep for two more hours.

I had no appetite when I woke up, but Rommel and I decided to slowly walk to the grocery store for some crackers and Starbucks iced tea. It felt good to get moving, but I still felt like I was burning up and just felt off in general.

After sleeping all day, I could not get to sleep last night and just tossed and turned instead. It was nice that the temperature outside dipped quite a bit, so I was able to snuggle under the covers with the window open though.

I left for work this morning while Rommel was still asleep since he has Memorial day off. I just wanted to stay in bed with him, but I knew I could not call in because we are short staff as it is and I had a pile of paperwork waiting for me.

I have pretty much spent the last eight hours in the upstairs office by myself (typical Monday) and trying not to be too bitchy when someone asks me for something. I have been trying to cheer myself up and remind myself how lucky I am, etc, but then I to go back to my work writing or typing which sends shooting pain through my hand.

Rommel and I might walk to the bakery when I get off work and pick up something special for the holiday. I may be exhausted and hate the idea of walking at the beginning, but walks almost always put me in a better mood.

Exercising with the Wii ... Pros and Cons

2010-05-29T14:50:00.000-07:00

My husband bought the Wii when it first went on the market a year or two ago. We had glorious intentions of exercising with the Wii Fit and losing weight while having fun and spending loads of quality time together. That didn't happen. Instead we decided that my parents might benefit from it since it was just gathering dust at our house, so we sent it to them over the holidays.

About a month later I was diagnosed with RA and quite a few of the physical activities I used to do have become painful for me. Since I have not been as active, I have put on weight, which makes the pressure on my joints worse and there is more pain. It's a vicious cycle.

I was speaking to my husband about how I could lose weight when some days I am too fatigued or my feet are in too much pain to walk. That's when he surprised me with a new Wii. He apparently got a good deal on the new black one they just released and bought some used games and a used balance board at the resale place where he had credit from trading in other games.

I was really skeptical, but he convinced me that it did not dent our bank account too badly. Plus I know that he was doing all of this because he loves me and wants me to be healthy.

These are the pros and cons for me when using the Wii to exercise:

Pros -

It's exercise. Even when you are not using the "exercise" games, you are moving around, which is better than watching tv or something of that nature.

Cons -

The Wii Fit tells me how fat I am every time I do the evaluation. No, I'm sorry, it tells me how "obese" I am. It's not that I don't agree, it's that I do not need a cartoon pointing out how I am on the obese end of the scale. Worse yet, they make your little Wii person rounder after you weigh in.
You are not supposed to use the Wii balance board while wearing shoes, but I cannot stand on a hard, flat surface without shoes. I tried to use the balance board several times without wearing my tennis shoes and after about ten minutes, my feet were in such pain that I could not do anything the rest of the day. So I wear my tennis shoes now, but it seems to be hard on the balance board and I am wondering if it will last very long. So it might end up costing us more money.
Some of the games want you to run. One of my seven circles of hell (if I was a bad person of course) would be a fast running treadmill with no off button. Walking, fine. Walking fast, fine. Running, you're f*****g crazy!
It may lead to the death of my husband by my hands. I am not an athletic person, but I can be a competitive person and these games bring out the worst in me. I absolutely hate to see him do better than me and can get pretty nasty when he does. I will even bite my lip through the pain to beat him. I don't like this part of me because I am not like this in any other aspect of my life. I am always happy to see him do well, but if he beats my hula hoop score, I will be forced to bring him down.

I don't know if the cons outweigh the one pro, but I try to use it when I am able to. Or at least until I break and kill that stupid cartoon scale.

Another appointment, but definitely an important one.

2010-05-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

As soon as the doctor prescribed plaquenil for my Rheumatoid Arthritis, he explained that I needed to have my eyes checked. The most frequent side effect of plaquenil is developing deposits on the retinas which can cause problems with vision that may or may not be reversable.

I took my time making an appointment because after seeing so many doctors over such a short period of time, I was getting more and more anxious with each one. So I waited until things calmed down a bit and made an appointment on a week where I did not have anything else going on. I had been taking the plaquenil for about three months at that point, so if I was going to develop deposits from it, they should be able to tell by now.

I am happy to say that my retinas look great; the doctor even let me see the retinal mapping and went over it with me. I will need to go back every six months, but the doctor does not think there will be a problem in the future. I do not mind having to go back that much; I would rather be on the safe side.

The weird thing is that my vision has actually gotten better. I have been wearing glasses since third grade and can barely see my hand in front of my face. My vision has been pretty much the same for the last ten years. I do not think it has anything to do with the plaquenil but it was definitely interesting.

Feeling Ambitious

2010-05-24T22:08:00.000-07:00

I have been pushing myself more than usual over the last couple of weeks. Some days I have a decent amount of energy and want to take advantage of it by getting out in the garden or trying to get the house a little more organized. Some days I have no energy, but if I am going to be achy or in pain at the end of every day, I would rather feel like that for a reason or at least believe that was the reason.

I only had to work half a day on Tuesday because of the upcoming holiday and the crazy way my company handles it. Instead of heading out to the backyard, I decided to hang out at the bookstore for awhile and grab a new book that I was really excited about. I bought my iced tea and found a seat on the sunny balcony with my book. After about thirty minutes I really began to feel the pain in my hands, feet, and knees. It was bad enough that I decided to leave a lot earlier than I planned, hoping that I could get a little more comfortable at home. Maybe it was sitting in one position for too long. I do sit at a desk most of the day at work, but I have to get up quite often and do not normally feel too much pain until I get home and just stop running around for awhile. Whatever the reason, it was rather disappointing to look forward to relaxing at one of my favorite places and ending up being so distracted by pain that I could not enjoy it.

But enough of that, here are pictures of some of the stuff I have been up to recently:

I originally was not going to plant any veggies this year, but in the end I decided to plant some but put them in pots instead of in the ground. I did this because I tend to move plants to see if they grow better in different areas and sometimes just because I change my mind. It's a lot easier to do that when they are in pots instead of digging them up each time.

I also planted a couple of bell pepper plants. The bell peppers usually turn out smaller than ones you get at the store, but when you grow your own without any pesticides, etc, they really do taste so much better.

I also planted a few marigolds around the yard. I love the smell of marigolds and they always remind me of my childhood. My mom planted them every year and my sister and I always pulled the dead flower heads off and spreading the seeds around.

I had to include a picture of our peach tree. This will be the third summer it has produced and they should be really delicious this year.

I put together a new wreath for our front door. I would rather do the work myself for $15.00 then spend $30.00 or more for one that is not well done.

I spent some more time organizing all the stuff that has piled up in our bedroom. I collect a lot of different art and eclectic items, so things can get a little cluttered some times. I have been trying to edit those things and display the others so we can enjoy them.

You may have won this one RA ...

2010-05-18T15:17:00.000-07:00

Apparently a young woman with Rheumatoid Arthritis, or anyone really, should physically work themselves to the point of exhaustion, which is what I did yesterday moving furniture around my bedroom. I used to bounce back from that kind of stuff pretty fast or least I would only suffer from a few sore muscles. Not any more.

By the time I went to bed, a strange noise would emanate from my throat every time I moved a part of my body. I want to describe it as a groan, but my husband said I sounded like a dying animal. Either way, he had to listen to it every time I tried to turn over in bed.

Today I am aching from my fingertips to the tips of my toes, so getting through work is my only plan.

Oh well, lesson learned.

My nemesis ... clutter

2010-05-17T20:16:00.000-07:00

There is no other way to say it; I hate clutter. I am one of those people who may have a lot of stuff on their desk at work, but everything has it's place. I even turn off my computer when I leave the office so that no one is tempted to sit at my desk and touch anything. Yes, I know I can be somewhat anal.

When it comes to our home, I have a lot of artwork, books, and clothes, but I try to keep everything organized and out of the way. Every few months my husband and I clear out things we do not use or do not need and donate it. But when you have a lot of crap, it takes work to keep everything neat. The energy to do that work is not something I have had for quite a while due to my RA and things have begun to just pile up around my bedroom. I honestly hate looking at it, but every time I even think about cleaning up the clutter, I think about the other things that need to be done around the house. I just don't have the energy to do that much and I just have to pick what is most important, which is not putting away laundry.

But last week I tripped over the suitcase I had not unpacked from vacation last month and that was the last straw. I knew that I just had to put in the work and I would feel better when it was done (probably not physically, but at least emotionally and mentally).

I started with my books, which I love, and the four sets of shelves they occupy. I rarely keep books that I have read because I give them to people I think would like them, which means almost all the books were unread. My husband would prefer for me to get rid of all of them, which is what he was hoping would happen after he gave me the Kindle, but there is no way I can do that. I slowly went through them, trying to be honest with myself if I would eventually read it or not. I sold quite a few to Powells and will donate the rest, which left me with two full sets of shelves.

We decided on the entertainment unit pictured below from Ikea that would hopefully keep us more organized.

I was exhausted after lugging the three huge boxes into the house, but then we still had to put the thing together. I love Ikea, but damn. The whole unit is mostly held together by little wooden pegs and every time we would put one piece on, another would fall off. I am also surprised my husband did not threaten to divorce me after the amount of times I told him to put the wrong pieces together. Two hours later, we had the unit together and lay collapsed on the couch. But I could not leave it at that. I ended up organizing the books I had left before I walked away.

I worked on our room a little more tonight, but after yesterday I am pretty stiff and my knees are achy so I took it easy. I still need to go through my wardrobe, hang up the artwork we took down, and sift through some random stuff. I figure if I spend a little time each night, I will have everything pretty much organized by the end of the week. But it is usually all or nothing for me, so if I am going to put in the time, I want everything just right.

On a completely different note, here's a picture of my new haircut. Obviously I really like it because I never ever take pictures of myself. I haven't even taken the time to pluck my eyebrows lately because of the energy it takes so I was really happy to feel pampered.

I also took a picture of my right hand, which is the one I have the most problems with. It actually looks pretty normal in this picture, but if you look at my ring finger you can see the indentation from a ring. I have worn my grandmother's turquoise ring everyday for almost ten years and I honestly did not think about the problems with the inflammation in my hands until the other day when I was twisting the ring. I realized how tight it was and I could not pull it over my knuckle. I was praying that I would not have to have it cut off, which would not only upset me but also my mother. After painfully placing my hand on an ice pack for several minutes and then applying quite a bit of coconut body butter, my husband was able to yank it off. It saddens me to look down at my hand and not see the ring, although it still feels like it is there. Hopefully I will not have problems with my wedding rings because I would really be upset if I could not wear them.

A much needed reminder...

2010-05-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

When my life is running smoothly and I am not in too much pain, it never seems like I have time to sit down and write a post. I guess that I am just trying to use every minute of those days doing things that I can't do on a normal basis. But as soon as I have a bad day, I want to run to the computer and write a new post. I guess it is a way of venting without feeling like I am annoying those I love. I am sure they get tired of hearing what hurts today or how anxious I am.

This week was the perfect example of that. After finishing up two of the three appointments I had this week and getting a fabulous new hair cut, I was feeling pretty good with myself. I finally felt like I could take a deep breath and relax for a while. I thought a post about my day outside in garden and a picture of my hair would be fun, but then I ended up doing other stuff and fell asleep comfortably after a busy day.

The next day I went to physical therapy in the morning knowing that I would not have another appointment to go to for weeks, which makes me incredibly happy. I ran a few errands and was home by the early afternoon, so I decided to take a nap. A call from work woke me up about forty-five minutes later. I don't know if it was the sudden awaking, but I was not feeling right. My heart began beating extremely fast and I felt sick to my stomach. After feeling so relieved earlier in the day, I was having a panic attack (a typical pattern for me). I lay in bed, curled in a ball, holding on to my ice pack (cold always helps calm me) and finally called my husband. Luckily it was pretty late already and he was able to leave work and come home.

We ended up taking a walk later in the evening to work off some of the remaining nervous energy that I had built up, but I could not shake the unsteady feeling. I felt so vulnerable, like I could have another panic attack at any time. I was also feeling sorry for myself having to deal with the rheumatoid arthritis because I tend to have flare ups within a couple of days of a panic attack.

I thought about writing yesterday, but I knew it would just be a pity fest so I avoided my blog. But after reading through my usual list of blogs that I keep up with, I came upon a post by Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy about rewording the negative thoughts that go through his mind during the times of debilitating pain.

All day long, my mind remained calm while my body felt like it was on fire. It’s definitely being tested, though. Just when I felt like I had finally shed some of the unhelpful thoughts that I carried around for so many years, I find that they are once again beginning to reappear.

“This is going to last a lifetime?”

This thought is always good for a few seconds (or minutes) of intense anxiety. When I frame my situation in these terms, it seems so impossible to deal with. So today, I decided to rewrite this thought. I turned it into “Sure, this will last a lifetime – but I only need to get through this moment. I have done so before, and I will continue to do so.”

That last sentence just smacked me in the face. If I had not have been at work, I probably would have burst into tears reading his post. "That's me," I kept saying to myself. Not only because of the understanding of rheumatoid arthritis, but also how I feel when I get extremely anxious. In the midst of a panic attack I think things like will this last forever, can I live like this for the rest of my life, and how is one person supposed to deal with two debilitating problems.

So the next time I have a panic attack or a flare up I will remind myself that the panic/pain will end and I will start again tomorrow. Maybe I will be a little unsteady as I shake off the anxiety, but I have done it before and I can do it again.

Thank you again Rheumatoid Arthritis Guy. You reminded me how important positive thought is, especially during the hardest times.

a roller coaster of a week

2010-05-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

The week started with a trip to see the rheumatologist for a routine appointment. Correction, I saw the physician's assistant for a routine appointment which I am realizing will be the norm. The good news was that my lab work showed some improvement, so the plaquenil may be starting to work but we have to wait the full six months until we know for sure. The bad news was that over just a couple of months I have put on weight. In some ways it makes sense because I have experienced the worst of the pain during this time period and have been moving less and less. But the weight just makes my situation worse, so it is something I have to work on.

She was also able to answer a few of my questions such as why I have an extreme reaction to any kind of cold including air conditioning. For example, the air conditioning is almost always on when I am at work and after a short time of being in the office, my hands and feet get really cold and begin to tingle, the joints ache, and sometimes my fingertips turn white. Soon after I leave the office, they warm back up but the achiness continues for the rest of the day. It turns out that it does happen to some people with RA and it has something to do with blood vessels constricting. Unfortunately the answer to what I could do about it was just to make myself as comfortable as possible when I am in those situations because there is nothing that can really be done about it besides avoiding the cold. So I will now have fingerless gloves with me at all times.

The sucky part was that the appointment caused me a lot of anxiety, which lingered for the rest of the day. I have noticed that if I experience severe anxiety for a long period of time or get to the point of having a panic attack, I have a flare up not long afterwards.

Between the flare up and the soreness from having seen the physical therapist, I was having a pretty hard time and had to leave work early one day.

Then I fell in love. We were at the farmers market during a charity walk for the local animal shelter when we locked eyes for the first time. The little chihuahua was so freaking adorable and he was up for adoption. Rommel said we would go home and talk about it before I could apply for him. For two days I checked my email just about every hour to see if the rescue had found him a family at the event or if he was still up for adoption. My heart dropped every time I found my inbox empty. I finally received a response and it turns out the adoption is not meant to be, which is probably a good thing. Three dogs could be a lot to handle considering I can't even walk my two dogs with my wrists the way they are. Plus my dogs have horrible manners, so I need to work on that. But I can't promise that I won't open the door to any other animal that needs a home in the future; that's just who I am.

Finally, the weather warmed up and I decided to get back outside to work on our yard. We planted a new bougainvillea where the empty wall was bothering me. I also began pulling up a bunch of growth from this aloe plant which seems to grow like weeds. I guess I got a little carried away because I ended up covered in scratches from the plant that itched like hell. The next day I moved to the backyard and began cleaning things up from the winter. I also planted a variety of tomatoes and filled some pots with marigolds.

After digging in the dirt with my hands three evenings in a row, I am feeling some pain today so I decided to take it easy after work. I had a new book that I wanted to focus on but I did not really feel like sitting still for very long. I ended up taking a walk to go get dinner and am now watching one of my favorite shows, Ghost Hunters.

So there have been a lot of ups and downs this week, but I am trying to focus on all the gardening and stuff I was able to do because it made me feel "normal" for awhile, whatever that really means.

always known as the sick girl

2010-05-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks after moving to California in 2004 I began working as a cashier to get by until I found something more permanent. Over the eight months I was there, I developed a habit of passing out. I ended up applying for a position in the office of the same business and I knew the question of my health would come up. I told them that I would not have any problems because I would be sitting at a desk not standing at a register in the heat of summer. What the doctor diagnosed as vertigo continued, but not to such a serious degree, until my "abnormally large" tonsils were removed. The problem was that the reputation of being "the sick girl" was already in place.

A few years later my husband was diagnosed with diabetes and my stress/anxiety level was continually high. I began having debilitating stomach and intestinal cramps on a daily basis which was diagnosed as Irritable Bowel Syndrome (lovely phrase, isn't it?). The last place I wanted to be during those moments was at work and I began leaving work early, taking longer lunches, or just calling in sick. I will admit that I was completely undependable during that period even though I hate the thought of that. As life became a little easier, my symptoms slowly disappeared.

And once again I am dealing with becoming the undependable person again because of the Rheumatoid Arthritis. I manage to get through most days just dealing with some annoying joint pain and fatigue, but there have been a few where I sat at my desk nearly in tears. This last Saturday was one of those days. From the moment I walked into the office, I debated about leaving early. On top of the fact that every inch of my body was aching and I had a fever, I could not concentrate for the life of me. Everything was taking three times as long to complete and I was making mistakes that I would not normally make. I kept thinking that I might just push through as long as I could or leave at lunch, but I could not get over the thought of walking out on the work I had. I ended up leaving with only ninety minutes left, but took work home with me that needed to be sent to corporate the next day. After a very long nap and some pain medication, I was able to be semi-comfortable in a cushy chair and finished the paperwork which I dropped off at work the next morning.

But I can't help wondering if it's worth it. Is it worth so much physical pain to get through a day of work just because I do not want to disappoint someone? I want to keep working and I know that I need to keep working, not just financially but for my social and emotional health. But at what point do I say enough is enough and I need to do what is right for me, which is usually rest.

Feeling Inspired

2010-04-12T15:13:00.000-07:00

Even with the weather warming up and the day being longer, I have had absolutely no desire to start work on our yard, which is definitely not like me. The past few years I have been out there as early as possible, sometimes probably too early, getting vegetables and flowers ready to plant. But this year I have not even had an inclination to walk out the back door let alone begin to dig in the dirt.

Part of the reason is probably that it seems like so much work and after the RA diagnosis and the fatigue, any kind of work is a horrendous thought. The soil is so sandy it reminds me of the beach and the latest rain brought out a ridiculous amount of weeds. Here are a few pictures of what I am working with:

And that is after my husband spent a hour working on it with the weed whacker last weekend.

But yesterday I found the inspiration I needed to get back out there at the local farmer's market. We were walking down the middle of the stalls when I noticed a new vendor with buckets and buckets of lilacs, my absolute favorite flower. They bring back so many memories of childhood in Illinois, when my sister and I would spend hours outdoors running through the neighbor's yard filled with lilac bushes. We would go to sleep at night with the smell of lilacs floating on the breeze through the open window.

I have searched for lilacs in various nurseries in California, but have never been able to find any even though they supposedly grow well here. But I was in luck yesterday because she had a few small plants left and I didn't even think before handing over the money for it. I bought a variety called Sensation that will have deep purple flowers with white at the edge of the petals. It may take a few years to really start producing flowers, but it will be SOOOOOOOOOOOO worth it!

As soon as we got home for the market, I threw on my gardening clothes and dug in. I began by moving some flowers from the hanging baskets on the front porch to larger metal drums that I use for planters in the front yard. Then I moved to the backyard and began moving empty pots, pulling weeds, and starting another spot for compost. I also fertilized all the new trees from last summer which took a big hit during the last storm and lost most of their leaves.

I ended up spending about two hours outside which I knew was probably pushing it, but I was not ready to stop. Once I went inside, I took a long, warm bath to ease the pain I knew would be coming and then relaxed with a book for awhile.

A couple hours later the torture began. The seemingly unending aching in my feet, ankles, knees, shoulders, and hands. At one point my husband held me and kept asking what he could do for me, while I just cried. He pushed me to walk a couple of blocks to one of my favorite hamburger places, which really did help. He was cute when he kept looking over at me and saying, "See, we just needed to get that blood circulating!"

I had a hard time sleeping because I just could not keep comfortable, but I do not feel too bad today. Well, to be completely honest the back of my thighs are screaming every time I take a step, but I think that has less to do with the RA and more to do with the fact that I have not exercised in forever. But I still do not regret a second of the work I did.

Hopefully I will have some amazing garden pictures to share soon, although I will only be spending small amounts of time outside working each day for right now.

Take exactly as directed

2010-04-12T14:04:00.000-07:00

When I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis at the beginning of the year, I was extremely hesitant to begin taking any kind of medication for it because I was already taking several medication for my anxiety disorder and adding another one to the mix was not appealing at all. I was also hoping that I could find some magic diet, etc, that would help with the symptoms.

I filled the prescription for plaquenil, but left the unopened bottle sitting on my nightstand for over a week. It was a meeting with my primary physician to discuss my appointment with the rheumatologist that truly changed my mind. We talked about how the joints can still be deteriorationg even when someone has no pain or inflammation, which really scared me, and the plaquenil can help prevent that deterioration.

It can take up to six months to see results when starting Plaquenil, but symptoms can start to lessen before that. I actually began to experience less joint pain after a month, but still had the fatigue and fever.

I have not experienced any side effects, but I will have to see the eye doctor this summer to make sure there is no retina damage. The problematic thing about plaquenil is the process of taking it. I am really good about taking it in the morning because I have to take my other medication at the same time and if I forget those I get a migraine, so I never forget. I am having a hard time remembering to take it in the evening (most effective time is twelve hours apart) and had to set an alarm to remind me. I also found out that I must take it with a full meal or else I will become extremely nauseous. I tried taking it with a small portion and milk, but neither worked.

I realize that remembering to take a pill twice a day with a meal is not too much to ask when it could possibly help with a chronic illness, but then I came down with that nasty respiratory thing that I mentioned in an earlier post. Most evenings I went to sleep extremely early and missed the alarm. I also had no appetite after leaving work and even the thought of food made me feel sick to my stomach, so I could not take the plaquenil without making that worse.

This went on for almost two weeks. Almost the exact moment I felt over the illness, my joints started screaming at me. It could have something to do with being sick, but I have a feeling that if I hadn't missed so many evening doses, I would not have had such a bad flare.

It's been about a week since I began taking the plaquenil twice a day again and it definitely feels like I am starting over again, but I guess you could say I learned a lesson.

Tossing the TV out with the trash

2010-04-07T20:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, not really because Rommel would ring my neck if I really did get rid of the TV, but it seriously would be the best thing for both of us. I think that I have watched more TV in the last month than I watched last year!

I come home from work, set down my purse, and turn on the TV in the bedroom to see what is on. I might make dinner if Rommel is lucky and then move to the living room to check what was recorded on the DVR. Finally I turn off the TV and then head to bed. Between being sick, dealing with the insanely achy joints and the other ever changing symptoms of the RA, and just being down right lazy, that's pretty much all I want to do.

I will add that I try to work on some crochet or embroidery when my hands feeling pretty good, but that is all.

But things felt different today. I actually felt ... wait for it ... BORED with lying around watching TV. I haven't had as much back pain since I met with the physical therapist last week and he gave me some daily exercises to stretch out my neck and shoulders, so I am not experiencing as much fatigue. Plus I had a massage today, which always makes things better.

I came home with my muscles all relaxed and headed to the bedroom. I clicked on the TV and ended up watching "Say Yes To the Dress." But after a few minutes I ended up glancing around the room like something interesting to do would pop up. I called Rommel hoping that he would be home from work at a decent time so that he could entertain me, but he was slammed and did not think he would be home until really late. Obviously desperate, I even considered climbing on the elliptical to burn up some energy. And I have a serious hatred for that machine!

I decided the pups really deserved to get out for a little while. Lately I have not been able to walk both of them by myself because the pulling is too much for my wrists, but Rommel has been working a lot of late nights, so there haven't been any walks at all. As soon as I grabbed the keys, Simba and Sunny were running to the basket where we keep their leashes. Luckily there were not too many other dogs out for walks, so they were really well behaved and we had a good time.
Now that I am sitting here with the pups passed out at my feet, I actually feel like I accomplished something tonight and that is a good feeling. I may also be sitting here watching "Ghost Hunters," but I know that I want to keep this feeling going. Even if I only accomplish something small, I want to accomplish something each day.

This is the view when I leave for work every Saturday morning and what I would prefer to be doing. But these three are also the reason I keep going.

Still Sick!

2010-03-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how long this cold is hanging on. It has been almost two weeks and I am still coughing and blowing my nose all the time. I am very happy to have some energy again and be able to take a deep breath without feeling like I might cough up a lung.

But now that the cold is starting to subside, the pain is returning. I am 99% sure that I am the one to blame for that though. Besides throwing any restrictions on my diet out the window, I also did not take my RA meds like I was supposed to. I found out early on that if I do not take plaquenil with a full meal, not just a snack, I become extremely nauseous. Since I did not have much of an appetite most evenings over the past couple of weeks, I tended to skip dinner and I did not feel like forcing myself to eat just so I could take a pill. In return for my irresponsibility, my shoulders and elbows have been throbbing like crazy.

At least in the middle of all the sickness, there was a very large beaming bright spot, which was one of my best friend's baby shower. Shopping and shopping and more shopping for the shower was exhausting, but totally worth it. Everyone had a fabulous time, especially my friend, so I was really happy with how it turned out.

It seems like she just told me that she was pregnant and now she is almost eight months along. I am really excited for both her and her husband and have declared myself aunt and official babysitter. Of course her aunt will have to introduce her to Hello Kitty as soon as she is out of the womb!

Food Inc.

2010-03-20T23:43:00.000-07:00

I am only about 20 minutes into Food Inc. and this is what I have already learned:

Most fruit is shipped into the US before ripening and then is sprayed with ethanol gas to ripen.
Most chicken never see the light of day in the 48 days they are living. Chickens used to be butchered after almost 3 months and weighed half as much.
Chickens are pumped so full of food to "plump" them up that their internal organs and bones cannot keep up and they can only move enough to reach the food and they fall over.
The chick hatches and is placed on a conveyor belt leading to its prison.
Cows cannot digest the corn they are fed (which is the cheapest possible feed) and the corn actually allows fatal e. coli to grow inside the cattle's stomach.
90% of the food in grocery stores is made with some type of corn or soybeans and are "engineered."

The doctor is in...

2010-03-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

I have seen so many doctors recently, two just this week. I was having some serious neck and shoulder pain at the beginning of the week and ended the week with a respiratory infection. Hopefully I will be able to get over everything before my first round of physical therapy next week.

One of my biggest concerns has been work because I have left the office early twice in the last two weeks and called in this morning. I have two big issues that I need to figure out. The first is that sitting at a desk for eight hours a day takes a major toll on my back. Once I start noticing pain in my shoulders, I tense up even more, which causes more pain. I added a step under my desk so that I cannot cross my legs because that throws your back out of alignment. I also found a lumbar support to help with my posture. Lastly I will have to get up and stretch at least every hour, which is the hardest part for me. I can go hours without moving out of my chair even when my back is bothering me. Hopefully the timer going off every hour will not bother the rest of the office.

The second issue is that I just do not have the energy to get through five days of work. I do not have the option of not working full time, but I do work for some very understanding people. Although I was very hesitant about bringing it up at first, I asked to speak to my boss about work. I brought up the idea of changing one of my days off. Instead of having Sunday and Monday off of work, I will have Sunday and Thursday off. That way I will work three days, have a day off, work two days, and then have a day off. It will allow me to really rest in between work days. Hopefully it is only temporary and when my energy comes back I will return to my old schedule.

I keep saying one small step at a time, but I think the change at work is a pretty big step to improving my life at this moment.