The other day I decided that Mondays will be “kick my own ass” day at the gym. In other words, it will be the day I work out the hardest because it is the only day of the week when I do not work and I can actually drive there instead of walk.
So this Monday the alarm went off at 9 am and I reset it for 10. Instead of falling back to sleep my mind kept going over all the reasons I should be getting up. I finally threw off the sheets, ate a quick breakfast and headed to the Y.
I first headed for the exercise bike because it is the easiest to use and read at the same time. I put the bike on the random hill setting and cranked it up to three (out of twenty). Twenty minutes later my legs were tired and I had only burned 74 calories! I mean, come on, only 74? They should throw in some extra ones when you break a sweat or at least riding until your ass hurts too much to continue. Then I jumped on the treadmill where you can make some actual progress. Problem is that I was too tired from burning those 74 calories that I did not last very long on the treadmill. Apparently when you have not been to the gym in six years and you put on A LOT of weight, you lose stamina. Who would have thought?
So I head back to the locker room to grab my stuff. I wash my face and turn into the row of lockers where I believe my locker is and OH MY GOD! Yes, that is a naked ass in front of me. A naked ass! After a second or two trying to figure out who I am and what I am doing standing in front of someone’s naked ass, I realize that my locker is in the next row. Thank god or I would have had to stand next to naked woman while I tried to open my combination lock, if I even would have remembered the numbers with the words “naked ass, naked ass” going through my mind.
And here’s the thing, I appreciate a beautiful woman. I think Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston are absolutely gorgeous. But I appreciate them in the “I wish I looked like them” sort of way, not the “I want to see them naked” sort of way (although I am sure I would wish I looked like them naked if I did see them naked). I do not care if you look like Angelina in Wanted or Kristie Alley in Fat Actress, I do NOT want to see your naked ass staring back at me when I turn the corner! And I should mention that most of the women using the locker room when I seem to be there are older women wearing bathing suits, so the chance of seeing Angelina-like ass is very, very slim.
Anyway, I am just hoping for no naked ass next time.